Lap 2 = Boo!

Right now I am a little over 24 hours post-op. If you didn't know I was having surgery, don't feel bad. I didn't tell many people. Mostly because I didn't expect to be out of commission for very long. Apparently I am going to be down for two weeks. I've kind of gotten weird about this whole infertility thing since last May when I decided I just didn't care as much about it anymore. When it quit defining me. When I decided to move on and be happy with the life I have, and to quit wasting it wishing for something I couldn't control.

Last night as I was waking up from the anesthesia, I started to cry. Really cry. I sobbed. All I want is one more baby. I don't want my beautiful Baby Bean to be alone. I am not positive, but I am sure I sobbed, "I just want one more." The thought of not giving my baby a sibling is like a knife to my heart. I have three siblings, and I love them all dearly.

My little brother and I are four years apart, but we might as well have been twins. I can't live without him. He just had a birthday last week and the text message I sent him at 7:30 that morning was, "29 years ago today, I was given one of the best gifts ever. I still remember dad waking me up early in the morning to tell me you were born. This day, 29 years ago, my life changed for the best. I wouldn't change a single moment. I thank God for putting you in my life." THAT is what I want for my baby. I couldn't give her anything better than a sibling.

If it weren't for the fact that I want Baby Bean to know the joy of a sibling, I would have thrown in this towel last May and called my life good. Cause I hate this TTC crap. I hate it so much. With that said, it has definitely been easier to handle each disappointing cycle. It can't hurt when you don't care. I've just been going along with it to say I tried. I did everything I could.

So here I sit tonight, sore, stitches in my belly button, a hole sealed shut in my lower abdomen, and a steri-strip near my c-section scar. Disappointed by the surgery results.

There was no endo. At least not enough to speak of. I haven't talked to the doctor myself yet, but my husband said Dr D told him there was a very small patch of endo. Everything inside the uterus looked great. Dr. D was apparently very proud of his repair of the rupture. Everything outside the uterus looked good. Again, he was proud of his repair.

The only thing he found was that my right ovary and tube were infused in scar tissue. Most likely from the repair surgery in which I basically had another c-section. My guess is it was stuck to the scar tissue there. Dr. D told my husband he was able to free them pretty easily.

Before surgery I told Dr D the worst possible thing he could tell me post-op was that he didn't find anything. On the drive home from the hospital I got angrier and angrier, because that is almost exactly what I was told. Now what? Everything is fine in there. So why isn't this working?

Over the past year I have become a little more closed off when it comes to sharing my feelings and emotions regarding trying to have another baby. I don't say much about it to anyone anymore, except to my dad. After texting my friends and telling them about the results and talking to my mom, my dad called, and I let loose. I cried, and I told him how angry I was. After we hung up, I pretty much went to sleep.

This morning I started to think about things, and how Dr D had told my husband that the fact my right ovary was bound in the scar tissue might have meant any cycle I ovulated off that side, it just couldn't work. I ovulated off that side a lot. In fact, ovulated off that side every single time we didn't do medicated cycles with chlomid or letrozole, so a good 75%+ of the time.

Then I started to put dates together. My repair surgery was at the end of May 2010. By August, when we were able to start trying again, that is when my cycles got really weird. In December Dr D told me I had low estrogen, and then medicated cycles began. If that ovary and tube were stuck in scar tissue, it was probably hindering my ability to produce estrogen. And even if I was ovulating, those eggs might not have truly been getting free. Even if they were, they might not have made it to the fallopian tube that was also stuck in scar tissue.

So maybe the surgery wasn't a bust after all? I guess only time will tell.

Oh, and my husband? He's apparently super fertile. At least according to the male fertility specialist. His counts are way above normal. The specialist would neither say he was nor was not part of our problem, but it doesn't sound like he is.

On Monday I will schedule my post-op appointment in which I will ask a million questions. When I leave that office, we will see how things go. Hopefully there is an improvement, and hopefully this year will be our year.

Just one more, and I am done.

What's Going On

So much is going on in our house, as always, but everything is pretty exciting.

Up first, and the most boring, but funny, I spent the Saturday morning mowing the lawn and cleaning up dog bombs. That's right. The first week of January we had to mow our lawn. How awesome is that? It was 70 degrees here the other day. Of course today it is rainy and cold. If there is one thing I've learned about this part of Texas, it is that you can never plan on what to wear in the winter. One day will be hot and the next will be cold. (P.S. Does anyone else feel like their dogs poop too much? lol)

I got Baby Bean's third birthday party scheduled! She is so excited. Almost every single night after I tuck her in she says, "Mama, I wish it was my birthday." That day is fast approaching. She is adamant about a princess theme, and so that is what she shall have. We bought invitations over the weekend. Now I just need to figure out which kids to invite. It will be held at a local art studio where each child will get to paint an 8X10 canvas with oils. How cool is that?! The place totally hosts the party too. I just need to bring my own food and drink and they do everything else, including the paper/plastic ware. I also ordered her the most adorable princess cake. It is a two-tier cake with a castle on top and four Di.sney princesses. Some people might find it all a bit much, but I went through hell to get this child, and she might be the only one I ever get, so I make the most of all of it.

I FINALLY have my laparoscopy scheduled. This has been such a huge pain in my @$$, and it shouldn't have been. I kept asking for them to schedule it for the first of this year since Thanksgiving. I went to see Dr. D right after Christmas and the lady who schedules the surgery (and whom I love) was sitting there scheduling surgeries for other girls right in front of me when she had never scheduled mine. I was NOT happy. And then I had just entered the Two Week Wait, so I had to wait until we found out if I was pg or not before we could schedule (all though we all know I stood a snow ball's chance in hell at getting pg right now). But now it is scheduled for next Friday, and yet another surgery on the ol' ute will be behind me. Hopefully Dr D can find and fix whatever isn't working. I know its not likely, but I hope I have results like my first lap. I was SOOO FERTILE after that surgery, but I didn't know it because I hadn't read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" at that point and wouldn't let my husband near me when I was so "goopey." LOL! If only we had known!

I am doing so awesome on the diet front. I am so proud of myself. I have been on it for 11 days and have not cheated once (except that one french fry I ate on Friday). It has been so much easier and enjoyable than I thought it could be. I am doing so much cooking at home and loving it. Plus its nice to have meals and snacks all planned out for a week. No wondering what to eat! I started the Phase I work out plan today too. As long as I can have sugar-free candy, I can keep this up.

I think that is everything from my end. I am going to try to get some blog reading in now. :D

Bits and Bobs

Since I haven't been blogging very much the last few months, I wanted to do a post about what I've been up to so that I can remember in the years to come. So here is what has been going on with me:

• I discovered that I can get a French man.icure that lasts for weeks. Since finding this out, I have become hooked. I always liked the look, but never wanted fake nails. Now they make a nail polish that lasts for weeks so I can have the look I want with my own nails.
• I took a few days off over Christmas so that between my vacation and paid days, I would get a week and a half off work. It has been one of the awesomest stay-cations I've ever had. I got soooo much done!
• My house was deep cleaned and reorganized. Our downstairs bookcase went up into Baby Bean's room where her changing table moved out and up into the attic. The rocker glider that was in her room went into my room where my husband's dresser was, which was relocated to another part of the room.
• Our garage got cleaned out... again.
• I put together one awesome Christmas for my little family. I even had the opportunity to host a neighbor for Christmas dinner who had no other plans for that day. She is a lovely gal who loves to talk, and I love to listen, so it was great having her over. We thoroughly enjoyed it.
• I got a cavity filled (the first in more than 10 years, but that is what happens when you don't go to the dentist for three years). But what is most impressive about this is I did it without being numbed. My dentist and her assistant were shocked when I requested to not be numbed and tried to talk me out of it. The way I saw it, it couldn't hurt worse than anything infertility had put me through. I was right. It was a cake walk.
• Sadie ripped off two of her back toe nails, each a week apart, and both requiring vet attention. I'm still not sure how it happened, but I am guessing she got them caught in the carpet while trying to run around a corner. I trim my dog's nails monthly, so I am still surprised she was able to tear them.
• I felt like I did an awesome job at giving presents this year. I put a lot of thought into what I got people so that I could get them something they wanted or would really enjoy.
• I started the S.outh B.each D.iet and am currently in Phase I. I tried doing this years ago when we were new in the IF ring. Needless to say, it was more difficult than I could handle then, and so it failed. This time, however, I feel confident that I can do it. I am in a much better mental place, and also a much better cook. It has been going really well so far. Just like nursing, they first two weeks are the hardest, so I know if I can conquer them, the rest is easy sailing. (No, this is not a new year's resolution. I don't do those.)
• We got a new roof and spray foam in our attic. I can honestly say the spray foam makes a big difference. The upstairs retains heat like no one's business. I realize we have had a warm winter here in Texas, but our upstairs is 77 degrees at bed time. As they say, heat rises.
• We started going back to church, and plan to keep going. (Again, not a new year's resolution.)

I think that is everything. I've been meaning to write about all of these things for some time, but my old laptop died and we had so much going on with the holidays that it just never happened. Right now, life is good.

Good Riddance 2011!!!

I knew by January 7th of 2011 that it was not going to be my year. What happened? I was two weeks late for my period for the first time ever in my life and found out on that day I was not pregnant. Right after receiving the phone call about my BFN, we got a phone call saying my husband's truck had been hit in a parking lot. NOT good omens!

Three more times over the year I was late and not pregnant. I ended up back in the IF trenches, despite my hopes, and never saw one tiny bit of success. The whole year on that front was full of stepping further and further backward. I ended up doing full medicated cycles for more than 3/4 of the year. I don't even want to think of how many hours I spent at the RE's office, or how much money was flushed in the name of baby, all in vain.

As if my own infertile problems weren't enough, my Sadie dog had and lost a whole litter of 5 pups. One of THE WORST experiences of my life. I can't even describe the pain I feel even to this day when I think about those 48 hours from the moment I walked in the front door to the blood everywhere and the dead puppy to the moment the vet called to tell me he had performed a c-section on the remaining two pups that were stillborn to the moment I realized the one puppy that had survived had just died in my hands at 24-hours-old.

Emotionally, this year was a roller coaster. A horrible, awful roller coaster I couldn't get off of no matter what I did. My relationships were affected. My work was affected. My family was affected.

Even though the year was crap, and I couldn't wait to see the end of it shortly after it started, not all of it sucked.

We went on our first family vacation to Cancun and bought a time share so we can visit the white sand beaches every single year, or go somewhere else in the world... like Scotland. :D

Maggie had her first litter of pups, two of the three survived and are now in very loving homes with two great people. One of whom I work with, and the other is my mother-in-law, so I will get to see him often.

I got a new car. I finally, finally got a new car! And I LOVE it.

I actually got away from the crazy drive to have another baby. Do I still want another one? Yes. But my fight against infertility no longer defines me. It no longer rules my world. I do what I have to do, and I take each hurdle as it comes without caring one way or the other. I have a gorgeous baby girl. I've already won.

Baby Bean was potty trained, and we moved away from diapers. And last week we moved the last of the baby items out of her room and up into the attic. Her nursery changed to a little girl's room that she just loves.

And you know what? I am so excited for this next year. We already have two vacations planned, one of which is booked. You guessed it, we're going to Cancun again! Then we are planning on going to California in the fall. Our plan from here on out? Two vacations a year.

I also feel really good about our baby chances this year. I am going to have a laparoscopy next month to check everything out and clear out some endo on my ovaries that has resurfaced. We also found out at the end of 2011, I am not the only problem. We both are. So Hubs is doing what he has to, and we're going to go from there. (As a Christmas present I was told our only chance of a pregnancy was IVF. Oh well.)

I plan on trying to breed the dogs again in the fall. The vet says he doesn't think Sadie can, but I'm going to try anyway. I just feel so hopeful.

I just feel like this year is going to be good. It is going to be our year. We just had two really crappy years in a row, and now it is time to have a good one again. It has started out on the right foot, and I am determined it will stay this way.

Welcome 2012!

Christmas 2011

Can you believe another Christmas has come and gone? I think this Christmas was the best so far. Of course I will think that every year as Baby Bean gets older and enjoys the day more. I thought for sure she would grasp the concept of Christmas this year, but she didn't get it as fully as I thought she would. She was, however, very excited to see that Santa had come as she came down the stairs that morning.

Baby Bean was lucky in that she got to have two Christmases this year too. We had one with her grandma and great-aunts on Thanksgiving where her grandma gave her a really cool digital camera for kids. Her aunts gave her this cute Tex.as Te.ch horse pillow. She also got some new clothes and a couple sets of Lego's.

That same weekend we also went to the Texas Renaissance festival and spent the day with Hubs' best friend and his family.

She would not let that camera out of her site from the moment grandma gave it to her.

Baby Bean got to ride a lama. She loves to ride either the ponies or the lamas.

After Thanksgiving, it was time to get ready for Christmas! I started a new tradition for our little family 3 years ago which involves making gingerbread cookies for my coworkers. Baby Bean LOVED to help add the ingredients to the mixer and turn it on, cut out the cookies, eat the cookie dough, and eat the baked and frosted cookies. She is my big helper.

She even helped me put up the Christmas tree. As was a tradition in my family, she will get a new Christmas ornament every year. This year I took her to the Ha.llmark store where she picked out a D.umbo ornament. This was the first year she was really able to pick out her own ornament. Let me tell you, giving a 2.5-year-old choices like that can mean you are in the store for a lot longer than you would like! "I want this one. No, I want this one. I want this one too. Why can't I have both? I want this one."

Hubs also got into the Christmas spirit and decorated the front yard.  I was amazed. He has been saying for years he wanted to, but this year he finally did it. We went to the store and he bought hundreds of dollars of Christmas lights and decor. Of course the picture can't do it justice, but we had the brightest, most festive house in our neighborhood. We plan on being "one of those houses" who adds something new every year.

And this brings us to Christmas Eve. Getting Baby Bean to stay in bed this past week has been ridiculous. Her dad and I took vacation so that we would have the entire week and then some off work. Baby Bean knows that she doesn't have to go to school right now, so even when we put her in bed on time, she will sneak out of it for hours after she gets put down. This made getting presents from my room to under the Christmas tree tricky. I never knew if she was actually asleep, or if her door was about to open and she would try to sneak out. But she eventually went to sleep and I was able to play Santa.

As you can see in the picture above, she got an art center as her big, unwrapped item. I tried to upload a video of her checking it out, but I got a new laptop for Christmas (!!!) with updated software that I have to figure out how to work. (My old laptop took its time dying. The CD drive went first. Then the WiFi, then the hard drive. That's when you know its time for a new one.)

Baby Bean's favorite present of the day? The doll house.

In fact, once she opened the doll house, she didn't want to open any other presents. Even though there was no furniture for it yet. The house came with a family of four and a table and chairs. That was it. But she was content. I told her to open more presents and she would say, "No thanks. I have this." And she would indicate her doll house. It took us hours to get her to open half of her presents (hence her not really getting Christmas). At one point I started taking some away to give her for her birthday, because all she saw was that doll house. Eventually she opened some of the furniture sets, or maybe I did for her, I can't remember. She did keep telling me to open her presents because she just wanted to play.

I mean, the doll house IS super cool. Hello, I bought it! I just wish I had saved it for last or something so that she would open her other gifts. She seriously couldn't care less that she got anything else. Hubs enjoyed this because he had told me multiple time that I had gone overboard. I kept telling him no I hadn't. She had three different classes of presents: 1) the doll house and all  of its furniture; 2) the art center and all of its supplies; 3) baby dolls and furniture and supplies for them. The third class is the one I held back for her birthday.

Every now and then throughout the day I would ask if she wanted to open more presents. Sometimes she would say yes and go open one, and others she would say no thank you. I think by about 8:00 that night, she finally opened her last present.

When I put her to bed that night I asked her what her favorite part of the day was. She replied, "Presents!" I asked her what her favorite present was, "My doll house!" My husband said you know you have done you job right when your kid opens the best present and doesn't care about anything else. He told me that to keep me from feeling bad that I had gone a tad overboard with the gifts. lol

This past week we have all had fun playing in the doll house and at the art center with play dough, markers, and paints.

I am so grateful that this little girl finally came into our lives and made it incredible beyond words. I might not always be the mama I want to be, but I try. I constantly remind myself that my job as her mother is to teach her to grow up to be kind and considerate, but it is also to make her childhood as magical as I possibly can. She is the most precious thing in my life. There is nothing like her sweet hugs and kisses. Most of all when I lay with her at night and on occasion tell her I'm sorry I'm not a better mama, but I'm trying, and she leans over and gives me a big hug and kiss. She knows I am trying. If I never got anything else in this life, at least I have her.

As for her daddy and I, well we spoiled each other too. Like I said, I got a new screaming laptop from him. The rest of my family gave me jewelry, body wash from VS, a heated blanket (that will get used as much as a French bayonet thanks to the fact that we are having more 70 degrees here than not), and some great chick movies. Hubs got a new and much needed leather jacket, some sunglasses, a new wedding band (its a long story), and a few other geek gadgets.

The dogs and gerbils were not left out either. The dogs got two big bags of rawhide chews and other tasty dog treats. Mags got a new pink collar because I hated her green one. The gerbils got an edible house and a toy ball. They also got their cage thoroughly cleaned, which doesn't happen often because it takes hours. Usually I just clean the main areas and replace the bedding, but this time I cleaned out all of their tunnels too.

It has been a great Christmas, and I am looking forward to 2012. I am going to give 2011 a giant boot to the @$$. This year was so brutal for me, but I took most of it in stride. I am so hopeful that 2012 will be our year. I mean, we already have a Cancun vacation booked and a California vacation in the works! We also gained some ground on the TTC front that makes me hopeful in a way that I haven't been in a long time. I hope and pray that we actually get pregnant this year. I have a good feeling so far. Its not going to be easy, but I at least feel like it is doable now. Very exciting!

I wish you all the very best in the coming year. I hope that you all have the kind of year you deserve and have worked so hard for. May the IF blogosphere bloom with pregnancy announcements all year long for one and all!

I know, I know!

I am just not so great at keeping up with updating or reading the blogs for the last few months. No excuses, just know that I know. Yep, I am horribly behind on all of the goings on of your lives, BUT I do think about all of you often (yes, all of you), and keep thinking I need to check in. I will. I promise.

So of course a million things have happened since I last posted. As always, life goes a million miles a minute, and I keep thinking I need to blog before I forget about everything. As such, this will be a bullet point post.

Baby Bean
This little girl is amazing. Seriously. She is so intelligent, and so sweet, and so sassy. We are most certainly in the Terrible Twos, but in the moments when I think I am going to lose it, I remember how much I love this little girl and how hard won she was.

So much has been going on with her. She is fully potty trained and in the big toilets that flush and I don't have to clean after each use. She says the most hilarious and insightful things. Like this morning she gave one of the dogs a bone, and her daddy and I told the dog to tell Baby Bean thank you. Baby Bean said, "Dogs don't talk." This is true. I found it funny that she let her dad and I know that.

She is turning into quite the little helper, and is starting to mimic me more and more every day. Last weekend I made potato cheese soup for dinner, and BB was right by my side the whole time. I would chop the vegetables, and she would put them in the pot. I would peel the potatoes into the garbage can, and she would pick up and throw away any errant pieces. It just melts my heart.

I bought her an advent calendar to count down the days to Christmas, and she is so disappointed every time she opens a door and there is nothing behind it, either because she has eaten it for the day, or I haven't put a piece of candy in for the day yet.

She is apparently still too young to ask for anything specific for Christmas. When I ask her what she wants Santa to bring her, all she says is, "Toys." So I try to guide her into "asking" for the things I have already bought for her. I seriously can't wait until Christmas when she can open all of the things I have bought for her. She will be a busy little girl for a long time.

The Dogs
Boltie has finally left the nest and gone to live with my MIL. I had a really hard time leaving him initially because I had grown so attached. I cried for a good 15 minutes. But I know he is in excellent, loving hands. As I kept telling him, "If you don't behave, I will send you to live with your dad." And I did.

He is adjusting to his new home very well and has become a member of the pack.

Maggie could care less that her puppy is gone. In fact, I think she was downright happy because she got her person back and no longer had a little leach stuck to her side. She was soooo happy when we got back home after dropping Bolt off. She was literally dancing around the whole night and so excited. So sad. lol

Life on the dog front has returned to normal, with both my girls curling up and snuggling with me in between chewing on chewies. Oh yes, and Mags got a new bed because Bolt decided to pee on her old one a couple days before he left. I guess it was his parting gift.

Elle
Not a lot to report here. I have been totally slammed at work and with Christmas. I ended up doing a cycle over Thanksgiving break, which I totally regretted because I was just too stressed out in general without the added cycle stress. It was so bad, my hair literally started to fall out and I had to take sleeping pills to knock me out at night. Otherwise I would lay awake and think about all of the things that still needed to be done. I love and hate this time of year.

Thankfully everything that was on fire at work has been taken care of this past week, and I am finally able to take a bit of a breather there. I had all of my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving, which was awesome. Then it was just down to wrapping and sending the gifts and getting Christmas cards put out (those were done before TG too).

If all of that that isn't enough, I also bake a lot this time of year for my coworkers. Baby Bean and I made gingerbread cookies last week that I brought to work and everyone enjoyed immensely. (I have pictures and will post later.) It has become our tradition. Baby Bean has helped me make gingerbread cookies for the last three years, and I intend to keep it going.

Thankfully, everything on all fronts has slowed down. The presents that needed to be shipped have been wrapped and sent, and the first wave of Christmas cookies is down (2-3 more to go). I plan on baking some more this weekend and am going to try to get Christmas cards out. If I do that, I will only need to wrap presents from Santa, mom, and dad, and bake 1-2 more batches of cookies. Basically I am down to the enjoyable stuff and am able to stress less.

Just to show you a bit of what I have been up to, here is "Christmas Barf" at work:

This picture does not to it justice. It is much more spectacular in real life. I think it took me a few days to get all of this put together with some help from my coworkers. We had a good time putting it all together. My husband and I did a lot of decorating around our house too. Hubs put up a billion lights in our front yard, and I put up decorations all over the inside of our house. It has been fun.

I guess that's it for me now. I will try to be better about updating. :)

The Dam Gates

As I was driving back to work after having my blood drawn for a pregnancy test, I asked myself why taking pregnancy tests made me so nervous, why they sent me into panic attacks, and why they always made me feel like I was about to vomit. My answer was huge and somewhat overwhelming.

The amount of feelings and emotions that build up to that moment is huge. There is so much riding on the second you get the result. For the past month you have done everything you could to make possible that one little word that will change your life forever. You have put so much of your time, energy, and life into making it so.

You ate right, you avoided foods and drinks you knew could hurt your chances, maybe you even exercised in the quest for baby. 

If you had to use ART (Advanced Reproductive Technologies), you saw your doctor multiple times in the past month for follicle and lining checks. Each one of those their own mini dam of emotion.

"Is my lining thick enough?" Yes. Victory!
"Do I have follicles?" Yes. Victory!
"Are the follicles I have good? Does it look like they will be good ones?" Yes. Victory!

Sometimes one of the above comes back a no, and you leave feeling deflated, wondering if the cycle is even going to work. If it comes back a no, what is your next step? Can you fix it in time? Meds, meds, meds.

Then you enter into methods of procreation, be it timed intercourse or your spouse making donations for IUI or IVF. No matter which path you take, you always wonder if you did enough. Was Hubby's sperm good? Did he have enough good swimmers? Should I have gotten after him for sitting with his laptop in his lap the other night? Should I buy him different underwear to help his counts? What is he eating/drinking when I'm not around that might lower his counts? Did we have intercourse enough? And then you start analyzing his donations. "Did enough get put in there to make it work this month? Maybe we should try to do it again 5 more times, just to be sure."

Then it is back to worrying about you again, "Did I lay there long enough afterward? Were my hips elevated enough? Should I have laid there longer?" What if you get sick, do you dare take meds? What if you need antibiotics? Will that hurt your chances?

During the Two Week Wait, you protect your belly like it was very fragile and easily breakable. Then your toddler jumps on you and thrusts her elbow into your abdomen. Did she just abort your potential baby?

Of course during the Two Week Wait the news is filled with stories of people who abuse their children. Who beat them to death, who starve them to death in a backyard shed, who do drugs around their kids, who abandon them, who are pregnant with their 16th kid and have no idea where kids 1-6 are, even though they are under the age of 12. People who should not have children are having them and not loving them or taking care of them while here you are struggling, praying, agonizing over having a baby to call your own. Why can these people have kids when they don't want them and won't care for them, when all you want is to build your family, love your children, and bring them up right. Why are children sent to homes where they are not loved, and not given to people who would love nothing more?

So your anger builds. And you question God. You tell your friends that you and God are going to have a talk one day, but that no matter what His reason, He will NEVER make this make sense to you. You don't understand it, and you never will. Why has He put these desires there and then not fulfilled? Why do you have to ache so much for something He will not deliver?

You then start paying attention to every little thing that happens with your body that feels like it could be a pregnancy symptom. You felt a twitch in your abdomen. Was that a baby implanting? Please, oh please let it be. Let this difficult journey be over. Let it be my turn. After eating breakfast, you feel slightly  nauseated. Is it possible morning sickness? You try to play off all these "symptoms." Try to keep your feet on the ground. It could be the meds you are on, like the estrogen or progesterone. It is probably nothing... but you hope that it is something.

During these two weeks you go back and forth between hope and despair, "I might be pregnant." Five minutes later, "I'm not. I just know I'm not. I want to cry."

Then finally, it is The Day. The one where you have to take that pregnancy test. Every single feeling you have felt in the past month comes rushing to the dam gates, just waiting to be opened upon hearing the verdict. Will it be good, is this aching finally over? Or will it be news that you are in for another month in the trenches? Even if it is good, the fight isn't over. You've just overcome the first hurdle. But you can't think about that now. Let's just get the good news first.

Either you pee on a stick, or you wait for that phone call. Regardless of how you are waiting for the results, you can't breathe. Your stomach does flips and flops. Are you? Aren't you? Please, please God, tell me I am.

Negative.

The dam gates are open and all of those feelings and emotions come spilling out, pooling up here and there in anticipation of being collected again over the next month. You're angry. You're bitter. You want to cry. You want to go home and be alone. You don't understand. You question your body's ability. Why didn't it work? What are you doing wrong? You've been at this for years. What do you have to do to make it work? As you battle this, people's snarky remarks enter your head, "Infertile people should just get the hint. They should just adopt; there are so many children in this world who need loving homes." You just want to start taking swings at people.

It takes you a couple of days of wallowing, and then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and prepare for another month in the trenches. You go see your RE and revise your battle plan. Hoping and praying that this month, this time, it will work.