Little Bean

The time has come for Baby Bean to graduate from being called Baby Bean to Little Bean. For my sweet little girl is becoming just that. She often tells me that she isn't a baby, and that she is a big girl. She can do so much by herself these days, and she wants to do so much more.

Here is a rundown of what my little girl has been up to lately, followed by a slideshow with pictures of all of these events. (Enjoy, mom and dad!)

My Little Bean absolutely loves going to the local theme park and riding all of the rides... well, most of them. She usually thinks she wants to ride them until we get to the front of the line, and then she wants to back out. Sometimes we take her on the ride anyway, just to show her there is nothing to be afraid of, but sometimes we let her back down because it just isn't worth the fight. She definitely has some favorite rides. Each night as I am leaving her room after putting her to bed, she gives me a run-down of all the rides she wants to go on, which includes the swinging ship, the tea cups, the bouncing boot, the cars, the rocket ships, and others. She also tells me that she wants to buy cotton candy and eat it on the train that goes around the park, because that is what we did the last time we went.

My husband plans to build a playground for Little Bean this year. We're not talking the kind where you pick up the playground kit and then the lumber, but one that he has custom-designed and has to special order the parts for. It will be a 3-level playground with tubes, a slide, climbing net, and more. But until he actually gets around to building it, I have been trying to give Little Bean things to play with outside. So a couple of months ago, I bought her a small playhouse. It would have been bigger, but Hubs got mad at me for getting one at all, since he intends to build the playground.

Another thing we did was enroll Little Bean in swim lessons at our gym. Every Saturday Hubs and I go work out and check Little Bean into the daycare until it is time for her swim lessons, then one or both of us take and watch her learn to enjoy swimming. We enrolled her about a month before we went to Cancun just so she could enjoy the pool at the resort, as well as being in the water with the dolphins. She has made some great strides over the past month+, and I can't wait until she wants to jump into the water with no help.

The day before we flew to Cancun, I took Little Bean to my nail salon where she and I got pedicures, and she got a manicure. I didn't used to be this high maintenance, but one of my best friends loves to get her nails done, and I finally relented to going with her last year. That is when I discovered the joy of mani/pedis, and there is no going back.

For Little Bean's birthday, both of her grandma's gave her princess dresses. One dress was given specifically for when we went to the annual renaissance festival in our area. Sadly, the dress didn't even make it to the front gate. She looked absolutely adorable in it, but said that, "the sparklies hurt" and she wanted to talk it off. We walked maybe 250 feet from the car before turning back to take it off and put her back in her regular clothes. It was such a bummer.

I have been wanting to get a large fish tank for some time now. We have a little 2-gallon tank that I bought for Little Bean's first birthday, along with a white and gold goldfish we named Gill. We still have Gill, and we still love him, but I wanted a bigger tank with lots of fish. The week before my surgery, I finally found a deal on a 10-gallon tank that I couldn't pass up. We got it set up a few days later and let it cycle until the day before my surgery when we bought three neon danios. Last Saturday I took her and we bought four tetras to add to the collection. We plan on adding some shrimp and an algae eater soon. Little Bean just LOVES the tank. She also loves to put things in it, like rocks, water from the bathroom sink, and anything she thinks she can sneak past me.

A few months after Little Bean was born, I painted her a big ceramic piggy bank, and have been putting all of my spare change in it since. Just shy of 3 years later, I decided it was full enough to empty out and open Little Bean a bank account. Last weekend, she and I sat on the family room floor and sorted out hundreds of coins. At just 3 years old, my baby girl has her own bank account.

Little Bean loves to be Mama's Big Helper more than anything. She is always trying to help me clean, cook, shop, anything that she thinks helps me so she can proudly say, "I'm your big helper, huh mama?" Yes baby, you are.

I hope you all enjoy the pictures below that go with the post above. My Little Bean really is growing up fast.

Lap 3 -- Woopie!

Yep, I did it again. I had another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy yesterday. That makes my third lap, and fifth surgery in that area (including the c-section). But this time, unlike last time, I feel really, really good about the results.

My last lap was almost exactly four months ago, and I was driven home from that surgery groggy and angry. Yesterday, however, I was driven home groggy and really happy.

The surgery was only supposed to be an hour and a half, but it lasted 3 hours. When I finally came to post-op, sitting on the chair next to me were images from my procedure, with handwritten notes from my doctor. It was such a lovely sight. My husband came over and explained all of the notes to me.

Dr H had found many little patches of endo, and zapped them all. He found more scar tissue behind the right ovary and removed it. He also found some pretty extensive scar tissue behind the left ovary and removed it. Both ovaries had a film around them, so he zapped them both with a laser and cleared the film away. The right fallopian tube was hooked back up behind the ovary, so it was not in a position in which it could catch eggs, so he put it back in the right place. He also did a test on my uterine wall that confirmed there is endo inside the uterine muscle. He said that he could not see the rupture repair from the outside, but that he could see the scar tissue from the inside (which explains why Dr D was so proud of himself).

I feel pretty good about the results from yesterday. I am looking forward to seeing the video Dr H took at my post-op appointment and discussing what our next steps will be. I am so happy that I decided to stick with this doctor and have him do the procedure. I feel like he was very thorough, and further confirmed his abilities and knowledge. I know for a fact I am in good hands this time.

Even better is I feel surprisingly well. I was up and around last night and felt very little discomfort. Even today I don't feel much discomfort. I'm a bit swollen... okay, I'm really swollen, but I don't hurt and I don't feel like crap. All around, I'm feeling pretty good about things.

Slide Show for the Fam

Aye Cancun

Remember in my last post how I said that my husband spoils me, and that I would give more details later? Well, that time has come. On May 5 (Cinco de Mayo [and also Sadie Dog's birthday]) we went to Cancun for a week!

We went last year and used our timeshare to visit this specific resort. We ended up liking it so much, we bought a timeshare for that resort as well. See what I mean by spoiled? But I digress. Because we know we are going back yearly, we know that when we go to Cancun, we can do absolutely nothing and feel good about it. We don't feel obligated to go see the sights, or do the touristy stuff, or anything at all. We can do those things if we decide we want to while we're there, but we don't have to because we'll be back, and we can do it next year, or the next, or the next.

This year for Hubs' birthday, I bought us all day passes to Xel Ha, which turned out to be great (google it). We absolutely loved it... except for the bit where we all got sunburned, even though we reapplied sunscreen. Luckily, the burns weren't bad at all and turned into great tans.

We also decided to go swimming with the dolphins again this year because Baby Bean loved it so much.

Meet Andromeda

But other than that, we did nothing. We swam or lounged in the pool a lot. I did a lot of shopping and bought some fantastic jewelry. My favorite pieces are two mystic topaz rings and a mystic topaz pendant. GORGEOUS! I got a little Christmas shopping in already as well.

We ate some fantastic food. My new favorite restaurant is called Baby Lobster. The food there was soooo good, and for $40 US, we got enough food to feed all of us for three nights. We also ate at Hard Rock and Jimmy Buffet's Maragritaville.

Our suite looked out over some ancient Mayan ruins. And when I say looked out on them, I mean they were spitting distance from our balcony (no, we didn't prove this), which was kind of cool, and kind of awkward when you wanted to look out your window and there were people there. This picture was taken from our balcony, without the zoom.

Since Photobucket doesn't want to work tonight, I will add in just a few other favorite photos from our trip, for you viewing pleasure. Once I can get the slideshow feature working, I will post up a bunch more.

"Oh my goodness I just LOVE Mexico!"

Anyone a Cars fan?

Everything I ever wanted.

Awww crap! Not again!

Can't go to Mexico and not wear a sombrero!

Just plain cute.

My girl and me

Do you know what is really fantastic? I have lost 10 lbs since we went last year, and Hubs has lost 25. Its kind of nice to see the pictures from then to now. We've been working on shedding a few, so its great to see that our hard work is paying off.

So you don't think a trip to Cancun entitles me to the "Spoiled" title? Well then grab your undies, cause guess where else we are going this year? We will also be visiting Disney Land/Magic Mountain/California area. Still not enough? Well then how about our trip that is already booked for our little family of three to hop the pond for an almost 2-week visit to merry old England?! That's right, three awesome trips in one year!!! We are all so excited. I guess Hubs is making up for the couple of years where we didn't take any vacations other than the ones where we hopped in the car and drove for hours to visit friends and family. Well, not really. We were always travelers before, which is why we bought the timeshares to begin with. Our plans are to take at least two away vacations and one staycation every year.

Yep, I'm spoiled. Baby Bean is spoiled too. Hubs loves his girls. And if his girls love you, you might just be invited to one of our vacations, as one of my best friends just found out. :)

Okay, enough bragging. It's past my bedtime. Night!

Truth be Told

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I have opted to allow my blog to show up in my status updates every time I write a new post. Truth be told, I have been torn over allowing those updates to post or not, and even whether or not I wanted anyone on FB to know I had a blog. Why? Because I talk about something very personal on my blog, and I am not sure I want everyone who is my friend on FB to know that I am infertile.

Have you ever looked up an ex on FB, seen their picture and thought, "Wow, I dodged that bullet!" Or maybe FB suggested you friend someone you didn't like in high school and you thought, "Holy crap, she actually posted that picture of herself?! She looks horrible... and fat...." And if you're like me, once you have thought those oh-so-cruel things, you reflect on your life and thank the Lord above that you have been blessed with the life you have. That you dodged that bullet, and that you have only gained a few pounds since high school.

But again, if you're like me, you think of the bullets you didn't dodge. In my case, its infertility. I often think about people from my past having access to my blog, knowing that I am infertile, reading about the intimate details of treatments. To the bullets I dodged, they are probably glad they dodged mine. To the people who gained more than a few pounds, they would probably rather be able say they can hit the gym and lose a few. Because being infertile isn't very easy to overcome, and it sure as hell is not cheap.

There are definitely days where I wonder how anyone one from my past would have handled being married to me and going through infertility with me. Would our relationships have withstood the way mine and my husband's has? Would it have grown stronger the way ours has? How would they have stood by me? And then I wonder if anyone from my husband's past were to find out he married an infertile, would they secretly laugh and think to themselves he probably wishes he had ended up with them?

When I think I was lucky for not ending up with so-and-so because he got fat and looks like trailer trash, I also realize that if that were the path I had chosen, I would probably still be happy in my life. I would still love him if he got a little chubby, because we would have grown chubby together. While I might wish for a better home and more money, I would be happy with the life I had been blessed with. I know this because that is how I feel about my life now.

Fortunately, I married an incredible man. He is the only guy I ever dated who truly allowed me to be me, and loved me just the way I was. He didn't want to change anything about me. He still doesn't (except he wishes I wouldn't spend like I do :D). He is an incredibly intelligent man, a wonderful provider, the best husband and companion I ever could have wished for. In fact, he is a better man than I dreamed of when I was younger. Not only does he provide for our little family, he spoils us (you'll see what I mean as the year goes on).

I often think about how while my lot in life right now is infertility, I am fortunate in that God knew I could bear this burden, and that He has provided for us in a way that we can afford to see specialists, have procedures performed and tests ran, and do medicated cycles. I am so fortunate. I have not yet hit a place financially where I have had to call it quits, nor will I. It is all a matter of how far I am willing to go. My husband has even offered to do IVF in Turkey if that is the route I want to take.

So while I am glad I dodged some bullets, I have also come to terms with the ones I didn't. I have found the blessings in them, and very rarely feel sorry for myself and the fact that having babies is a little more difficult for me. Every cloud does have a silver lining. Not having more children than we do right now means we get to do things we wouldn't if we had more than one. Everything turns out the way it does for a reason.

At the end of the day, I chose to allow my blog updates to show on my FB timeline because even though some people might snicker under their breath that this is my life, I am glad that this is my life. I have my troubles, and they all have theirs. I also don't mind that people realize they know someone who is infertile. Depending on where you hear it, 1 in 7/8 couples is infertile. I happen to be the 1. There are worse things. Scoff if you like, feel bad if you like, but I don't feel bad. My life really is semi-charmed, just like everyone else's. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. I really, really wouldn't.

This post is in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).

The Plan, Stan

We have a new plan set out with our new RE. I really can't believe I'm back into this, but I have new hope with this new doctor. He really knows his stuff, and he doesn't have the God complex Dr D did. I got back in to see him on Monday, and this time Hubs was able to skip out of work early to go with me.

Dr H completely agreed to the plan I had asked about last week, which was to have him perform a hysteroscopy to ensure that Dr D isn't hiding anything. He reiterated in this appointment how disappointed he is that the images from January were "lost", and that he agrees with us, that just doesn't happen. Either Dr D is negligent, or he's hiding something, but we're going to find out which.

Our plan is this:

1. Get me up to 2000 mg of metformin over a 4-week period -- guess what? I'm already there baby! I am handling the metformin so well I upped the dose after the first few days, then I upped it again a few days later, and then I upped it again a couple of days ago. In less than a week and a half, I was up to 2000 mg. I have a little nausea, but not enough to be completely uncomfortable.
2. Let this cycle run its course on the metformin. No monitoring, no injections, nothing. We just want to see if the metformin does its job on its own.
3. Hysteroscopy is scheduled for May 24th.
4. Depending on what Dr H finds, we will either jump into a medicated cycle or a go through suppression for endo.

All of the above is assuming that he doesn't get in there and find that Dr D screwed me over. So there are four possible outcomes:

1. He finds nothing, and we start medicated cycles.
2. He finds endometrial growths that are inhibiting potential implantation.
3. He finds something Dr D did that he can't fix.
4. He finds something Dr D did that he can fix.

Now, in regard to #2, when I told Dr H that my cycles tend to last 10-14 days, he got a concerned look on his face and said one possibility for the long cycles is endometrial growths inside the uterus. He showed me a picture of what he was talking about, again, no other doctor has ever discussed that possibility with me. I didn't even know that could happen! I won't go into hairy details, but if that is our problem, we are looking at 3-6 months of medications that will suppress the growths, during which time, we will not be able to try getting pregnant.

But let's assume we end up with #1, he finds nothing. We will then begin medicated cycles, and if we have two perfect cycles that should have resulted in a pregnancy, but did not, then he will want to do another laparoscopy to go in and take a very close look at the fallopian tubes. Again, I won't go into details, but he showed me pictures of a tube that looked perfectly normal at first glance, but upon really high magnification, it showed that endometriosis had swollen the ends so badly, they could not pick up eggs. If that is the case with me, it will depend on how badly swollen they are as to whether or not anything can be done. If they are too swollen to repair, then our last option for a baby would be IVF.

CRAZY, right?! How is it that I have been to four REs in 5 years and this is the first time since 2007 that I have had information overload? I should have had information overload like this with Dr D a long time ago. I'm happy we've got a new doctor who knows his stuff, and pissed that I wasted so much time with an imbecile.

As for possibilities #3 and 4, well, if they happen, Dr D will be hearing from my lawyer. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about that.

The most important thing about all of this though is that while I would love to have another baby, I won't die if I don't. My world won't crumble. I have Baby Bean. (Who, by the way, pointed at the fourth chair at our dinner table the other night and again said, "someone's missing.") But I will keep trying until I either get pregnant, or Dr H tells us we've reached the end of our road. Hopefully it is because of the former. ;)

Calling all Infertiles with PCOS

Today I met with our new RE, Dr Dub. I could not have imagined how well today's appointment would go. In fact, when I scheduled appointments with Dr Dub and Dr H, I had predetermined that if we did any cycles, they would be with Dr H. Dr Dub was just the third opinion.

That plan has changed.

Dr Dub is an older guy. He's been in the Reproductive business for a long time. It didn't take him long to realize I had been in the ring for a long time too (going on 6 years this year). I started out by giving him a full run down of my fertility history. Then we got down to business. In all of my years of seeing REs, I can't believe none of them ever spelled out things for me the way Dr Dub did today. He didn't sugar-coat anything, and he treated me like what I am, an infertile pro. So he didn't waste time going over the information I already knew from my own past experience.

He was quite unimpressed that Dr D had "lost" my images because he really needed to see them to get a better idea of what the inside of the uterus looks like, specifically the endometrium. He says it is possible there are endometrial growths in the uterus that can inhibit in implantation. If I have any, we will want to take care of them. He also had wanted to see the extent of the scar tissue around the ovary and fallopian tube.

But all of that aside, Dr Dub laid it all out on the table for me.If you have endometriosis, you most likely have PCOS. Now here is where I got new information that I had never heard before. Typically women with PCOS have it because they are insulin resistant. He drew me a picture of how insulin is supposed to work in a normal person, and how it works in patients with PCOS. Basically I don't use my insulin correctly and it affects my hormones and this in turn affects my eggs by either making them unhealthy or by killing them off before ovulation. If the egg is dead before ovulation, all that is left is a fluid-filled sac, or cyst. Sometimes they don't go away, so they build up and build up, which is how you get polycystic ovarian syndrome. He put together all of the pieces of information that were missing from my puzzle.

PCOS and endometriosis contribute to low estrogen and low progesterone. So you have to fight to get a good egg, and then you have to fight to make that egg a comfy place to hang out for 9 months.

When he started talking about insulin resistance, I told him my older brother is a Type 1 diabetic. He shook his head. Then he asked if I had gotten gestational diabetes. We kind of chuckled when I told him I had and that my sister had too. He told me I have what is called "thin PCOS" where my sister has "thick PCOS" because her cycles are irregular, and mine are not.

So my PCOS/Endo issues combined with my husband's low morphology pretty much leaves us with only a couple of options, IUI, IVF, IVF w/ICSI. Dr Dub wants to start right away with a medicated cycle, but not with chlomid or letrozole, he wants to do it with FSH and HCM shots. I told him the injectibles made me bat chit crazy and he said, "Really?! But you handle chlomid fine?" (That is the 3rd dr who has said that to me.) He said usually the chlomid is what makes us women wacky.

He said chlomid has a half life of two weeks, so he never lets patients do more than 2 cycles at a time because it takes an extra month to get the chlomid out of your system. You don't want to build it up too high, or it becomes detrimental.

I told him we had done a cycle with two shots of FSH and one shot of HCG, and I went psycho on my husband. As I finished telling him that, I started to smile and said, "We had done 6 rounds of chlomid by the time I went crazy." Dr Dub laughed and said, "It was the chlomid. It wasn't the shots."

I had never put that together until today!

He answered the questions Dr D wouldn't or couldn't. like why is my estrogen so low: PCOS. How do we fix it: Metformin.

It was a nice, long appointment, and I felt so comfortable talking to Dr Dub. I liked that he didn't treat me like a newby, and that he could tell I had some experience under my belt. I walked out of there going, "Crap! Now what do I do?" I was going to go with Dr H, and since I am on CD1, I was going to call him today to set up appointments for monitoring. But after meeting Dr Dub, I think I want to start the metformin tomorrow and have him do the hysteroscopy.

I don't really have a big plan set out this time. The only thing on my plate right now is metformin, hysteroscopy, and possibly IUI with FSH/HCM.

It is so weird being where I am mentally right now. I'm looking at doing things I didn't think I wanted to do ever again, but that was because I had my information mixed up. It was the chlomid, not the shots. I just kind of feel like I am floating through all of this information and the decisions that need to be made.

I am supposed to hear back from his office on Friday, so I think I will discuss which way to go at that time. I know he already laid out three battle plans for us, but I want to see if we can tweak them just a bit.

 Holy cow. I'm getting back on the horse. And not even the pony. Oh no, I'm getting on the brumby. We're headed for the big leagues.

Getting on the Medicated IF Horse

 The Metformin starts tomorrow, and on Friday I will know if we are going to try to do a cycle with FSH/HCM this month. I kind of hope we do. I want to get the ball rolling. Its time to kick all of this crap into gear and get a baby out of it!

What has this world come to?! This is all so surreal and crazy!