Hail Mary Pass/Guns a'Blazin'

I give up on not posting about cycling on this blog because things keep getting more and more interesting around here. Plans keep changing and forks keep getting thrown in the road. The overall plan hasn't changed, just the steps taken before the finale have changed.

I went to see Dr. D on CD2 last week. As I was driving there I wanted to cry. One more medicated cycle. If that doesn't work, surgery, and then we're done. The end. Since May I have been looking forward to being done with all of this, and that hasn't changed, but I wasn't prepared for how bad I would feel to actually walk away. It is always easier to think about things that won't happen for a while than it is to face them when the time comes. I can think about taking pregnancy tests in the future, but when it comes time to take one, I freak out. Even if I give myself 24 hours notice, I panic.

Anyway, so I was driving to the clinic and starting to feel really sad that this was actually it. It was kind of depressing. Dr. D came into the room and asked how I was doing. I told him I was really discouraged because this was the end for us. We talked about why and how we thought the last cycle didn't work, and we agreed it was because I had to miss the crucial window.

Dr. D then asked me how I felt about letrozole. I had never heard of it. He told me that he normally uses it for PCOS patients who don't respond to chlomid. While I respond well to chlomid, it depletes my lining, and then I have to do estrogen to beef it up. He told me letrozole does the exact same thing as chlomid, in that it produces multiple follicles, only it doesn't have the same side effects. Unlike chlomid, there are no set amount of cycles you can do before it starts hurting your chances either. Apparently it is normally used for breast cancer patients and is not approved by the FDA for reproductive purposes, but it has been used this way as early as 2001. Dr. D told me he has been using it since 2003 and gets 25-30 pregnancies a year from it. I talked to Hubs about it, and he said go for it.

I had also requested that Hubs undergo an analysis just to make 100% certain he is not part of the problem. When I explained why I wanted it done, Dr. D agreed it is worth looking at. Well, apparently my husband would rather go straight to an IUI than have an analysis done, so that is what we're looking at now. He said he would rather make one donation, have it spun down, washed, super charged, and put right where it needs to be, especially because they can bypass volatile grounds.

I asked my husband if he was sure, because IUIs aren't cheap, and he said the way he saw it, this is our last medicated cycle. We might as well go out with guns a'blazin'. Our true and final Hail Mary Pass.

Yes, this will be our final medicated cycle. I remember now why I didn't want to do medicated cycles. I am so ornery even I don't want to be around myself. The letrozole has given me monster headaches and taken my patience level to almost nothing. This is EXACTLY why I didn't want to do medicated cycles ever again. I can't count the number of times I have had to apologize to Hubs and Baby Bean in the last couple weeks. Tonight I put BB to bed and told her I was sorry I was so cranky lately. The sweet little doll reached over and hugged and kissed me. Then she put her hand on my face and rubbed my cheek and told me she loved me. My 2.5 year old did that!

It is funny to me how many people are excited we are doing an IUI. Almost everyone I tell treats like I just told them I was pregnant. "Yay! That is so exciting!" Really? Cause I want to vomit I'm so nervous and scared. I'm not excited. Its a lot of money, and what if it doesn't work? This is it for us. I have a hard time being giddy about that.

So that is where we are right now. I'm cranky as hell and scared. But I try to distract myself with Christmas shopping for Baby Bean, and that has worked wonders. This little girl is going to have an awesome Christmas.