Something Isn't Right

Okay, I'm really not happy with myself right now because I am doing another cycle post. Rest assured, I still don't care about this cycle. I'm just tired of the crap involved with it, and remembering why I hate cycling. But before I get into that, I have to say I am noticing an unhappy theme in my house.

I finally called the vet today, which I should have done weeks ago, because Sadie is still bleeding. She is 8 weeks post partum  on Wednesday, and surely it isn't typical for a dog to bleed that long. I mean, most women don't bleed that long post partum. I think I was afraid to call before today because I was so afraid to hear what I didn't want to hear.

The vet said he thinks she has a uterine infection and prescribed some antibiotics for her. He told me to bring her in when she is in her next heat cycle so he can "flush her uterus." I don't know what that means or what it is going to cost me. But he said if she doesn't respond to the antibiotic or she gets another infection, I may have to spay her.

That last sentence is what kills me. Now I know Sadie probably doesn't care. She will probably never know any better. But *I* do. And I have been fighting to have children for years. So the thought of taking that away from my dog is a knife in my heart. If she had never been pregnant or had a litter, it wouldn't be so hard. But she did have a litter, and they all died. And she knew it. She still isn't 100% because she knows she lost something. So for me, an ex-infertile, taking a litter away from my dog is crushing. To think I might not be able to breed her again, hurts me. I don't do it for the money. I couldn't care less about the money (obviously, considering I spent a month's take home pay trying to keep her safe when her litter had to be born via c-section and then in emergency vet bills). I do it because I love giving my dogs that experience, and I have to say, I love the puppies too.

I am so afraid I know what is going to happen, but I am praying so hard it doesn't come to that.

As for me, well I am in so much pain I couldn't handle sitting in my chair for the last hour and a half of work today. I was literally on my knees at my desk, just trying to make it through the day. The last time I remember hurting this much is after my laporoscopy 4 years ago this month. This discomfort is very similar to that discomfort. It builds slowly throughout the day until I can barely stand it and want to puke.

I called Dr. D's office and his nurse told me that it was most likely because my ovaries were still really enlarged. I guess it takes them a few days after they release their eggs to go back down to normal size. But after all of the discomfort I have been in today, I am not so sure that is the problem. Each step I take sends a pinching sensation through my abdomen and to my leg. Sitting at my desk for hours on end not only makes the pain build, but then it feels like the pinch moves around the way a baby kicks from the inside, only painful and not fun.

On top of that, Dr. D wants me to go on progesterone for the remainder of my cycle. The prom.etrium he puts me on has to be taken twice a day, and it makes me feel like I've taken a sleeping pill. Its great for at night, but not so great during the work day. So I asked for a different intake method, but guess what? It costs 5-6 times as much. I told my husband that I sure am spending a lot of money on something I don't give a crap about.

As for this cycle, once I ovulated, I lost all hope for some reason. I triggered on Thursday, and by Friday night I felt like it didn't work. Any hope I might have had was washed down the fallopian tubes with my eggs. But I am okay. I don't feel bad or upset or bitter. It is what it is (I hate that phrase, by the way). I have a feeling next month I will end up doing a hysteroscopy. I want that done so that I will know once and for all if I am done done. Like I have no choice. Like there is no hope. Even if Dr. D doesn't find anything, I will only do two more medicated cycles, and then its quitso. I did everything I could. Everything up to that hard, fast line I have drawn, which is I stop at injectibles. This has been the plan for months, so even though I'd rather be done now, I'm sticking to the plan. Stupid plan.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer. Maybe you would all like it if I ended it with an adorable puppy picture. Here you go!