We're Breaking Up

I originally wanted to save this post until after I had done BB's b-day recap, cause let's be honest, her b-day and party ROCKED!  I can't wait to show it off, but it is going to take some work to put everything together for the post, so it will be along in the next few days.

In the meantime, I have something I need to get off my chest.

My RE and I are breaking up.

I'm not sure if it is a good or a bad thing because he is the closest RE to where I live/work. The next closest is a 45 min drive away, one way. I just don't have that kind of time to devote to multi-weekly cycle monitoring. So being done with Dr. D means we are done with treatments. The surgery was the end of the road for us.

On Tuesday I had my post op appointment with Dr D. Remember how he told my husband that he had found scar tissue attached to my right ovary and tube, and how that could mean that anytime I ovulated off that side, it probably didn't work? And remember how he told my husband he found a patch of endo that he removed? Well, when I went in on Tuesday he looked at his chart and said, "I found some scar tissue. I didn't find anything else." The end. He was honestly going to leave it at that.

Here is how our conversation went then:
Me: My husband said the scar tissue was attached to the right ovary.
Dr. D: Yes, it was.
Me: He also said you told him it was attached to the fallopian tube too.
Dr. D: Yes, fortunately the ovary took the tube with it, so I don't think it affected anything.

Hang on, didn't he tell my husband that because of the scar tissue it probably meant those cycles didn't work? He was telling me the exact opposite now!

Me: Where did the scar tissue come from?
Dr. D: Probably from some intestinal irritation.

Intestinal irritations cause scar tissue? Since when?! Tell me the truth, you don't want to admit it came from my surgery last year.

Me: Do you think the scar tissue is what was lowering my estrogen?
Dr. D: No, I don't think so.
Me: So why are my estrogen levels low?
Dr. D: We can fix that with injections.

That isn't what I asked!!! I was PISSED! If you don't know, just say you don't friggin' know!

Dr. D: When does your husband next go for an analysis?
Me: In about a month.
"Well let's wait until we get those results back, and then we will start up treatments again.

No, no we will NOT! We're DONE!

It was like pulling teeth trying to get any information out of him, and then he was telling me things that were the opposite of what he told my husband, and addition to not telling me as much as he told my husband. He didn't even mention the endo to me.

I left his office fuming, and then started thinking over the years that we have been going to him and how he seems to be so inconsistent with me, or how other doctors have said the opposite of what he said. The most recent being that he told me my husband was infertile and we would have to go straight to IVF. Hubs then went and saw a specialist who said his numbers were off the charts. He has above normal counts. He is definitely fertile.

Let us not forget that when we met him he told me I could never get pregnant again because of where the rupture was, and that if I did get pregnant, I would most likely rupture and bleed out during pregnancy. My baby would be born early and would be blind, deaf, and retarded, and we could both die. We then went to Mayo, the second best fertility clinic in the country, and they said he was smoking something because there was no reason that site couldn't be fixed and we could go on to have more pregnancies. We followed up with a high risk OB here, who confirmed what the doctors at Mayo said.

But on top of all the conflicting information between him and other doctors, he is so hot and cold with me. Some days I feel like he is really on my side, and others I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me because I'm not an IVF patient. I feel like he is telling me I don't have problems compared to his IVF patients, so I should be grateful. Then one month he will be all gung ho and doling out prescriptions like its no big deal, and the next he will ask why I'm in his office. I kid you not, he has straight up asked me one time why I was in his office. My reply was, "Because you told me my estrogen was low." He's even asked me if I had considered taking a break before. My reply to that one was, "We did." "You did? When?" "We took off the months of May through August."

People ask why I kept going to him after that, and it really had to do with proximity. I should have walked, but I didn't. Maybe it is because he has been voted one of the best doctors in the area for the last 6 years. Maybe it is because my OB, whom I love very much, referred me to him. Its a mixture of things, really. The biggest one was probably the hope that he would help us achieve the dream of another pregnancy. I felt like I needed him to get us where we wanted to go.

But you know what? I'm done. I've been saying since last May that I'm good where I'm at, and I've been saying for months that this surgery was our last step. My post-op appointment sealed the deal. Now I get to move on with my life and put all of this behind me. In some ways it is freeing, in others is makes me angry. I've wasted so much time and money, for nothing. With a doctor who might or might not know what he is doing.None of that matter now though, cause we're officially done with treatments.

Giving up on treatments doesn't mean we're done trying. We'll always keep doing our thing in hopes that it works out one day. But we're done seeking medical intervention. Its time to live the life I have, and I am so glad we're finally here.