Hanging on by a Thread

Just a warning, this post is long and full of highs and lows, just like the last 3 days of my life have been.

It all started bright and early Tuesday morning with a bit of red spotting. Of course I freaked out, and had to try to calm myself down. I was frantically texting my sister, seeking comfort, which she is awesome at, so of course I got it. Hubs was great at trying to calm my nerves too. Of course it was Tuesday, one of the two days a week my RE doesn't work. And of course it was before 8:00 and my OB's office didn't open until 9:00.

When I got to work, one of my cubemates had brought donuts, so there was a whole gaggle of guys standing around my desk. I didn't want to be social. At all. I just wanted to get on Google, and I wanted them all to go away and not look over my shoulder to see what I was doing. Ha!

After a bit, I had calmed down. I had gotten a hold of my doctor's office and was waiting for a call back when my dad called. I don't talk about my family much on this blog for many reasons: 1) I don't know if they want me to; 2) their stories are their stories and not necessarily mine to share; 3) if I ignore unpleasant things going on with my family members, it means they aren't really happening, right? I am great at doing the latter, but it can sometimes come back to bite me in the ass when reality does too.

So a bit of back story, my dad has Parkinsons and was positively diagnosed around the time I got married, 7 years ago. During that time he has undergone a knee replacement and multiple foot surgeries. The combination of any of those things takes its toll on a person. A couple weeks ago my dad told me he had gone to the doctor and had 90ccs of fluid pulled off his knee (the one that had been replaced). Shortly thereafter, he told me they were scheduling an emergency knee replacement surgery. Last Tuesday they took out the knee replacement and put in a temporary one. Without going into details, the whole thing has turned into a giant FUBAR.

Back to our story, so my dad calls and asks me if I know what they had done to him the night before (this was days after the surgery). At first I thought he was joking, so I joked back. The more the conversation went on, I realized my dad was not joking and that he was kind of freaking out. It was the first time I had come face-to-face with what my mom and brother had been telling me, and that I had been doing such a good job of ignoring. Luckily my mom had called me the night before and told me what they were planning to do, so I was able to help fill him in a bit, and then asked if he had talked to my mom yet. He said he hadn't, and that he would call her next. As soon as we hung up, I lost it.

I immediately called my little brother and asked him to go check on my dad and make sure everything was okay. I then spent the next few hours bawling at my desk, unable to leave due to tight deadlines.

By the end of the day, I was in the doctor's office for a sono. The spotting had stopped, thankfully, and I hadn't had any cramps. The sono showed that everything looked normal. We were able to see the gestational sac, but it was too early to see a fetal pole. It confirmed the large follicle from our cycle had indeed turned into a cyst (which I knew because I can feel it). But what it showed in addition to that shocked us.

The day of my IUI, I had two large follicles on my left and nothing on my right, or so I thought. I had a 25 and 21 on my left, and a 17 on my right. We didn't think the one on the right would be viable, but apparently, that is the one that fertilized! Can this cycle be any more shocking?

We repeated my betas that day, just to make sure the hcg levels were still going up. The level from Tuesday was 11,437. Oh yeah, that baby is growing! I haven't gotten the results from yesterday yet, but I'm not worried about it.

Over the next couple of days the situation with my dad got better and worse and better and worse and then much worse. By last night, they had moved my dad into the ICU.

I have been trying so hard to keep it together this week, but I'm an emotional, pregnant wreck. I go back and forth with my siblings on whether or not we need to get home to see our dad. Luckily my brother-in-law, who is a doctor happened to be with my parents this week. He had driven down just to spend some time with them. His visit could not have been more fortuitous. He has been there with my parents during all of this, and has helped keep us all calm. This has been especially helpful to me, as I try to keep myself calm for this pregnancy.

My dad had showed considerable improvement by the time I went to bed last nigh, which was a huge relief. Sadly, he will still be in the ICU for a couple more days. All I care about is that they keep him comfortable. He has gone through so much the last few years, and it has been so hard to watch. The doctors say he should be better and back into rehab for his knee next week, so that's what we're all hoping for at this point.

To end this post on an up-note, we had our first sono with our RE today. We were able to see the fetal pole, and the sonographer said she could see the heartbeat (the machine couldn't turn to where I could see for myself). The baby was measuring 3mm. Here is our first baby picture!

Its kind of hard to see, but that little blob is my baby. I asked if it was the top of the baby, and the sonographer said, "That IS the baby." lol That's our little miracle. Our amazing, resilient, little miracle. Keep on growing little baby! Mom, dad, Big Sis, grandma, grandpa, and all of your aunties, uncles and cousins love you very much already.

So for now, I'm trying to stay calm, trying to keep my hormones in check, and trying to keep this little bun in the oven and growing.