Saturday, April 28, 2012

Truth be Told

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I have opted to allow my blog to show up in my status updates every time I write a new post. Truth be told, I have been torn over allowing those updates to post or not, and even whether or not I wanted anyone on FB to know I had a blog. Why? Because I talk about something very personal on my blog, and I am not sure I want everyone who is my friend on FB to know that I am infertile.

Have you ever looked up an ex on FB, seen their picture and thought, "Wow, I dodged that bullet!" Or maybe FB suggested you friend someone you didn't like in high school and you thought, "Holy crap, she actually posted that picture of herself?! She looks horrible... and fat...." And if you're like me, once you have thought those oh-so-cruel things, you reflect on your life and thank the Lord above that you have been blessed with the life you have. That you dodged that bullet, and that you have only gained a few pounds since high school.

But again, if you're like me, you think of the bullets you didn't dodge. In my case, its infertility. I often think about people from my past having access to my blog, knowing that I am infertile, reading about the intimate details of treatments. To the bullets I dodged, they are probably glad they dodged mine. To the people who gained more than a few pounds, they would probably rather be able say they can hit the gym and lose a few. Because being infertile isn't very easy to overcome, and it sure as hell is not cheap.

There are definitely days where I wonder how anyone one from my past would have handled being married to me and going through infertility with me. Would our relationships have withstood the way mine and my husband's has? Would it have grown stronger the way ours has? How would they have stood by me? And then I wonder if anyone from my husband's past were to find out he married an infertile, would they secretly laugh and think to themselves he probably wishes he had ended up with them?

When I think I was lucky for not ending up with so-and-so because he got fat and looks like trailer trash, I also realize that if that were the path I had chosen, I would probably still be happy in my life. I would still love him if he got a little chubby, because we would have grown chubby together. While I might wish for a better home and more money, I would be happy with the life I had been blessed with. I know this because that is how I feel about my life now.

Fortunately, I married an incredible man. He is the only guy I ever dated who truly allowed me to be me, and loved me just the way I was. He didn't want to change anything about me. He still doesn't (except he wishes I wouldn't spend like I do :D). He is an incredibly intelligent man, a wonderful provider, the best husband and companion I ever could have wished for. In fact, he is a better man than I dreamed of when I was younger. Not only does he provide for our little family, he spoils us (you'll see what I mean as the year goes on).

I often think about how while my lot in life right now is infertility, I am fortunate in that God knew I could bear this burden, and that He has provided for us in a way that we can afford to see specialists, have procedures performed and tests ran, and do medicated cycles. I am so fortunate. I have not yet hit a place financially where I have had to call it quits, nor will I. It is all a matter of how far I am willing to go. My husband has even offered to do IVF in Turkey if that is the route I want to take.

So while I am glad I dodged some bullets, I have also come to terms with the ones I didn't. I have found the blessings in them, and very rarely feel sorry for myself and the fact that having babies is a little more difficult for me. Every cloud does have a silver lining. Not having more children than we do right now means we get to do things we wouldn't if we had more than one. Everything turns out the way it does for a reason.

At the end of the day, I chose to allow my blog updates to show on my FB timeline because even though some people might snicker under their breath that this is my life, I am glad that this is my life. I have my troubles, and they all have theirs. I also don't mind that people realize they know someone who is infertile. Depending on where you hear it, 1 in 7/8 couples is infertile. I happen to be the 1. There are worse things. Scoff if you like, feel bad if you like, but I don't feel bad. My life really is semi-charmed, just like everyone else's. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. I really, really wouldn't.

This post is in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).


Life Happens said...

Great post. We are given the trials we have because they are OUR trials. It's all part of the big picture.

Leah said...

I love this post, and I love how you own who you are, and are grateful for the many wonderful things in your life. Beautiful. :)

AL said...

great post! I am too chicken shit to post my blog to facebook (eek!) but I do post about infertility and pregnancy loss on occasion. You're brave!

Alex said...

Wonderful post! I think it's great that you post your blog on facebook. Well done!

twondra said...

Love, love, LOVE this post!!! Soooo true!!! You can always make me smile, too. :) Love your honesty and humor about it. Love ya girl!!