Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Don't Want You to Get Your Hopes Up

I was so excited and nervous for our IUI this morning. We got there for my sono at 8:30 to find that I had not yet ovulated. I had two eggs ready to go, one at 25.5mm and one at 21.5mm. The 16.5 had already shrunk back to 14, but one of the 14s from the other side had grown to a 16. In the end, all we had was two. I was okay with that.

Hubs and I went and got breakfast while we waited for Hubs' "specimen" to be prepared. Then we sat in the freezing cold waiting room for just over half an hour to be called back. I was wise to how cold the waiting room is, and so was nice and cozy under a blanket, while I passed the time playing solitaire on my phone.

At 10:00 we were called back into a room, and sat there, waiting for a few minutes. When the door opened and Dr H came into view, I smiled and told him good morning. The look on his face told us he had some bad news. He said, "I don't want you to get your hopes up."

I won't go into details, but Dr H told us that with what he saw from Hubs' sample, our only real shot at another baby is to do IVF. I kept a stiff upper lip, and stayed as upbeat and positive as I could. Dr H asked if we still wanted to go ahead with the IUI, telling us it wasn't impossible, by the likelihood was low. We decided to go ahead with it because the money has already been spent. We had nothing to lose by going forward with it.

After the procedure, Dr H asked if I had a follow-up appointment schedule for two weeks from today. I told him it was going to be less than 14 days, and asked if that was okay. He told me it didn't matter this time, because the appointment would not be to discuss our next cycle plan.

Yeah, take a minute to really let that sink in. Ouch.

Now before you think Dr H is a Debbie Downer, he has been nothing but awesome and optimistic for us since the day we met him. So the fact that he was down today, is concerning to me. It was really hard to take.

I kept my emotions in check until we got out to the car, and then I cried the whole way home.

Every time a doctor tells us we won't get pregnant because of Hubs, I think they are wrong. Little Bean is proof, right? They have to be wrong. Right? Hubs reminds me, its not impossible. Our chances just aren't very good.

We've had a couple doctors, Dr H included, that have told us when it is a problem with the male, there isn't anything you can do. But Hubs has done sooooo much research and has found numerous studies that disagree. They all cite different things that have been tried and proven to help with issues like his.

This was our last cycle for this year, but Hubs has said he will go see a male fertility specialist. We were just disappointed because he has done so much this year to try to make his end of things better, and it hasn't. But from what he says, there is still a lot to try yet.

We're not done. We're not giving up. If Hubs' insurance will cover IUIs with no cap, we'll do an IUI every single month next year if we want to. We're going to keep trying, and we're going to keep trying new things.

Its just hard when the problem isn't all yours. It was easier for me to handle when I thought it was all me because I knew there were so many things we could do and try without having to consider IVF. But it hurts to think there is nothing more I can do.

I have said all along, I don't want to do IVF. It costs too much and the odds aren't great enough for me to justify the expense. Hubs' insurance covers fertility, but even they draw the line at IVF. If we went that route, it would be 100% out-of-pocket again. To me, the line between us and IVF is set, its not a line in the sand. If that's our final option, we're going to throw in the towel.

One thing we learned today: it takes 100 sperm to fertilize an egg. It takes 100 to break down the barrier around the egg enough that one can get in.

While our outlook for this cycle is bleak, the fat lady hasn't sung yet. Unfortunately, we won't know for 2 full weeks if she is going to sing or not. I just hope that fat cow keeps her mouth shut!

Here's to being cautiously hopeful....


Melissa said...

wow. I am sorry to hear about this. I was really hoping things would be so much more positive. But you know, like you said, it only takes 100. In all seriousness, Kiari shouldn't even be here. And as you have pointed out, You have your sweetie. My fingers are crossed and you are in our prayers. Sending good swimmer vibes your way. <3 <3 <3

I love you. Chin up and hang in there.

Fran said...

Oh I'm so sorry for the little hope the doctor gave you! You know, Mike has also poor quality sperm, but he was on a regimen of supplements that really helped. Let me know if you need some info on what he was on. I will still keep my fingers crossed!

Journey Girl said...

Bloody hell, every time you think that things are going along okay, there is a solid kick in the guts. I'm so, so sorry that this has happened but you have absolute 100% incontrovertible proof that It has worked before and it certainly means that it can work again. I'm thinking of you, hugs.

Carrie said...

blah :( That's not cool at all. What were his counts likes?

I always hated it when people would find out part of our problem was my husband's sperm and they'd say "It only takes one!" because I knew that it didn't. There are so many factors and one little sperm can't do it on it's own.


Heather said...

What a rough run you're having. When you think about the fact you both have fertility problems, your daughter just becomes that much more of a beautiful gift.

No one can tell you what's right or wrong, no one can tell you to give up or pay lots...and its nobody's business but yours and hubby's. We'll support you no matter what. x

Alex said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that you got this news. But stranger things have happened, so I still have everything crossed for you. Thinking of you!

AL said...

I am so sorry :-( what horrible news. I hope that the male fertility specialist can help things along. Thinking of you xoxo