Hanging on by a Thread

Just a warning, this post is long and full of highs and lows, just like the last 3 days of my life have been.

It all started bright and early Tuesday morning with a bit of red spotting. Of course I freaked out, and had to try to calm myself down. I was frantically texting my sister, seeking comfort, which she is awesome at, so of course I got it. Hubs was great at trying to calm my nerves too. Of course it was Tuesday, one of the two days a week my RE doesn't work. And of course it was before 8:00 and my OB's office didn't open until 9:00.

When I got to work, one of my cubemates had brought donuts, so there was a whole gaggle of guys standing around my desk. I didn't want to be social. At all. I just wanted to get on Google, and I wanted them all to go away and not look over my shoulder to see what I was doing. Ha!

After a bit, I had calmed down. I had gotten a hold of my doctor's office and was waiting for a call back when my dad called. I don't talk about my family much on this blog for many reasons: 1) I don't know if they want me to; 2) their stories are their stories and not necessarily mine to share; 3) if I ignore unpleasant things going on with my family members, it means they aren't really happening, right? I am great at doing the latter, but it can sometimes come back to bite me in the ass when reality does too.

So a bit of back story, my dad has Parkinsons and was positively diagnosed around the time I got married, 7 years ago. During that time he has undergone a knee replacement and multiple foot surgeries. The combination of any of those things takes its toll on a person. A couple weeks ago my dad told me he had gone to the doctor and had 90ccs of fluid pulled off his knee (the one that had been replaced). Shortly thereafter, he told me they were scheduling an emergency knee replacement surgery. Last Tuesday they took out the knee replacement and put in a temporary one. Without going into details, the whole thing has turned into a giant FUBAR.

Back to our story, so my dad calls and asks me if I know what they had done to him the night before (this was days after the surgery). At first I thought he was joking, so I joked back. The more the conversation went on, I realized my dad was not joking and that he was kind of freaking out. It was the first time I had come face-to-face with what my mom and brother had been telling me, and that I had been doing such a good job of ignoring. Luckily my mom had called me the night before and told me what they were planning to do, so I was able to help fill him in a bit, and then asked if he had talked to my mom yet. He said he hadn't, and that he would call her next. As soon as we hung up, I lost it.

I immediately called my little brother and asked him to go check on my dad and make sure everything was okay. I then spent the next few hours bawling at my desk, unable to leave due to tight deadlines.

By the end of the day, I was in the doctor's office for a sono. The spotting had stopped, thankfully, and I hadn't had any cramps. The sono showed that everything looked normal. We were able to see the gestational sac, but it was too early to see a fetal pole. It confirmed the large follicle from our cycle had indeed turned into a cyst (which I knew because I can feel it). But what it showed in addition to that shocked us.

The day of my IUI, I had two large follicles on my left and nothing on my right, or so I thought. I had a 25 and 21 on my left, and a 17 on my right. We didn't think the one on the right would be viable, but apparently, that is the one that fertilized! Can this cycle be any more shocking?

We repeated my betas that day, just to make sure the hcg levels were still going up. The level from Tuesday was 11,437. Oh yeah, that baby is growing! I haven't gotten the results from yesterday yet, but I'm not worried about it.

Over the next couple of days the situation with my dad got better and worse and better and worse and then much worse. By last night, they had moved my dad into the ICU.

I have been trying so hard to keep it together this week, but I'm an emotional, pregnant wreck. I go back and forth with my siblings on whether or not we need to get home to see our dad. Luckily my brother-in-law, who is a doctor happened to be with my parents this week. He had driven down just to spend some time with them. His visit could not have been more fortuitous. He has been there with my parents during all of this, and has helped keep us all calm. This has been especially helpful to me, as I try to keep myself calm for this pregnancy.

My dad had showed considerable improvement by the time I went to bed last nigh, which was a huge relief. Sadly, he will still be in the ICU for a couple more days. All I care about is that they keep him comfortable. He has gone through so much the last few years, and it has been so hard to watch. The doctors say he should be better and back into rehab for his knee next week, so that's what we're all hoping for at this point.

To end this post on an up-note, we had our first sono with our RE today. We were able to see the fetal pole, and the sonographer said she could see the heartbeat (the machine couldn't turn to where I could see for myself). The baby was measuring 3mm. Here is our first baby picture!

Its kind of hard to see, but that little blob is my baby. I asked if it was the top of the baby, and the sonographer said, "That IS the baby." lol That's our little miracle. Our amazing, resilient, little miracle. Keep on growing little baby! Mom, dad, Big Sis, grandma, grandpa, and all of your aunties, uncles and cousins love you very much already.

So for now, I'm trying to stay calm, trying to keep my hormones in check, and trying to keep this little bun in the oven and growing.

And it's Good!

I just realized I never posted my beta results on the blog! I did on FB, but ya'll can't see that. So here are the stats:

14dpo hcg = 68
16dpo hcg = 276

WE ARE DEFINITELY PREGNANT!!!!

When I got the results from the second beta, I cried for the first time. I was driving home in the car with Little Bean in the back seat when the doctor's office called. I just could not stop crying.

Symptoms are mostly awesome. I am completely exhausted and go home and fall asleep after work every night. I've had a couple of food aversions, and sadly they were to foods I normally love, like crawfish etoufee. The only symptom I don't like, and didn't like when I was pg with Little Bean, are the light cramps. I had some very minor spotting a couple of days ago, but I attribute that to the progesterone.

I told Little Bean she was going to have a baby brother or sister the other day, and the first thing she said was, "I don't want a brother." She only wants a sister. I remind her that her one of her uncles is my little brother, and I tell her how cool little brothers are, but she still wants a sister.

She came in and slept with me one night, and when we woke up the next morning she smiled and then we had the following conversation:

LB: Why is your tummy so big?
Me: Its not big.
LB: Why is your tummy so big?
Me: Its not THAT big.
LB: Why is your tummy so big?
Me: *sigh* It has a baby in it.

Last night I asked Little Bean where the baby was, and she said there was one in my heart and one in my tummy. I then asked her how many babies there are in my tummy, and she said two. I asked if they were boys or girls, and she said there is one girl named Kate. She then waffled back and forth between one and two babies, but there is at least a "sister Kate" in there.

Little Bean has a cousin named Kate, and for years she has told us that she has a sister named Kate. She also apparently has a brother named Kate. I asked her last night what we should name the baby if it was a boy, the answer was the same as for a girl, Kate. She didn't like any other names that I suggested.

As I we were laying in her princess bed after I read her a story, I asked her if she wanted to talk to the baby, and she said yes. She told the baby that we would go to the park, and I would push the baby in her red stroller while she pused her baby doll, Caroline, in her little purple doll stroller. She also told the baby that we would go on all kinds of rides. When I got up to leave, she gave me two hugs and kisses, one for me and one for the baby. Little Bean is going to be an awesome big sister.

I can't wait for the first time Little Bean gets to feel the baby kick. We are definitely taking her to our sono next week!

Ironic or Daddy's Intuition?

A week and a half ago Hubs came home from work and said one of our local furniture stores was having a blowout sale. I've been trying to get him to let us buy Little Bean her big girl furniture for a few months now. We had gone shopping a while back so that Hubs could see what I liked, and then fit it into our budget. Of course other things kept coming up, like our water heater kicking the bucket, and other major expenses, so the bedroom set kept being put off.

Well weekend before last, Hubs said we could go check out this sale. It was an outlet, so everything was scratch and dent, but who cares when you are buying the furniture for a child? They are going to scratch and dent it over the years anyway. Within a few hours of entering the store, Little Bean had a whole new bedroom set. Since we had taken my car instead of his truck, we weren't able to pick it up until the following day, which worked great for me because I had to get Little Bean's room ready for the new digs.

I spent the entire day that Sunday taking down the convertible crib, moving out her old dresser and night stand, and cleaning up her room. By the end of the day, her new room was all almost all put together. I had to buy a couple of other things to complete the room, which we did over this weekend. Now the room is totally fit for my little princess.

Saying goodbye to the crib

Enjoying the last time she would have so much space

All of this is going away!

The bookshelf and little table are the only things staying

Goodbye crummy dresser - into mom's closet with you!

On the new Princess Carriage bed, also known as Little Bean's "Ride" (Her name for it, not ours)

The new Princess Nightstand, complete with writing desk

The new Princess Dresser

Her first night in her Big Girl Bed

 And then I finished it all up this past weekend....

The finishing touches!

This was the first time she had seen the canopy. I put it together while she was in the bath.

Checking out all of the princess stickers on the walls

More Princess stickers!

Yes, she really was this excited!

Sleeping in her "ride" under "the tent."

In retrospect, is it ironic that Hubs finally let us get the bedroom set, or was it his intuition speaking to him?

Against All Odds

On Monday Hubs and I went to see Dr H to follow up with our IUI. We didn't do a pregnancy test because I was only 12 days past IUI, and Dr H thought it was too early. Instead we talked about all of our issues and how we could proceed with future cycles. Dr H was worried that I wasn't ovulating, even though I had follicles, because at 35 hours past trigger, I still hadn't ovulated. He told us that if the egg doesn't release by 41 hours post-trigger, its no good. So he did say it was entirely possible I ovulated 5 minutes after the sono, but that it was something we needed to track in the future.

He told us again that our only real chance of getting pregnant was through IVF because of my potential LUFS (Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome) and Hubs issues. We told him about Hubs' insurance covering everything up to IUI and about how we wanted to keep doing IUIs next year, but that we were done for the rest of this year until we changed insurance.

Dr H gave me a high dose birth control prescription to take continuously for the rest of the year to keep my endo at bay until we were ready to cycle again, as well as a daily prescription of femara. He told me to test on Wednesday, and that of course, if it came up positive, everything we had discussed that day was moot. I told him I didn't have feelings one way or another as to whether or not I was pregnant. The endometrin he has me on gives me pregnancy-like symptoms, so I attribute anything out of the ordinary to that.

Normally taking a pregnancy test throws me into full-on panic attacks. But this morning, I thought for sure I was going to be filling my birth control prescription tonight. So I did my thing, and walked out of the room to get ready for work. When it came time to see if I could discontinue the progesterone, I went in and checked on the test. Here is what I saw:

14dpo

HOLY CRAP!!!!

The bottom test was from this morning with FMU. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited I couldn't quit shaking. I had to muddle my way through putting on my liquid eye liner and mascara. I literally couldn't think about anything else. Hubs was afraid it was a false positive, because those have happened to us before. And he was afraid it was still from the trigger, but that should have been completely out of my system by Monday. So when I got to work, my BF and I ran to the pharmacy and grabbed a box of FRERs, and tested again at work. It took that line no time at all to show up, and it showed up at the same time as the control. That was the top test. What I think is funny is that line is darker than the FMU test.

I go in for our first sono on the 28th. I had my OB order the hcg levels because Dr H's nurse said he didn't put anything about it in his notes, so I figured it was easier to drive two blocks to my OB and have her do it, than drive 35 minutes to Dr Hs office and have them do it. I won't get the levels back until at least Friday, and then hopefully they will order up the second set that day.

I know that there have been a lot of prayers from loved ones and friends that have gotten us here, and I am so incredibly grateful. I really don't think this would be possible without all the prayers. I am literally pregnant against the odds. I just pray that this little poppy seed makes itself at home and gets nice and comfortable, because I really want to hold this little miracle in 9 months. We have been through so much over the past two years trying to get here.

Little baby, PLEASE burrow in good and deep. Please grow and thrive. Please make your way here safely in 9 months. I promise you will have a wonderful life with an awesome daddy, and out of this world amazing big sister, two fantastic dogs, possibly two gerbils, and loads of fish. I want you to be with me when we go to Disney Land later, and I want you to be with us, growing and thriving, when we go to London. Please stick. Please. You are one very wanted little baby, and you will be very loved, just like your big sister.

I hope to hold you in my arms in 9 months.

7 Wonderful Years

Seven years ago, I married my soul mate. Both of us had searched for a long time before finding each other, and both of us kissed many frogs in our search. But when we met, we knew it was kismet. We had finally found each other.

I cannot believe that 7 years have passed since our wedding day. It seems like only yesterday, yet it seems like I never lived before I met him.

Seven years later, and he can still make my heart leap, make my toes tingle, and make me giddy . He can read me like a book and know what I am thinking even before I do. He gives, and asks for little in return.

I am so incredibly happy with the way my life has turned out. I am so happy that he is in my life, that he is my life, my world, and my love.

We have weathered many storms together, and continue to do so. We always have each other's backs. We rarely fight because even to this day, we would rather be happy and in love for the rest of forever, than be right for a few minutes.

Sometimes life might get in the way, but at the end of the day, we are always in each other's arms. That is our time to nurture our relationship and grow stronger in our love for each other.

I love the way I fit right into the crook of his arm, and the way it encircles me. I always feel so safe and warm. I love the way he protects me and cares for me.

Above all, I love him for the precious gift he has given me in Little Bean. I love the way he loves her and cares for her.

Wearing Daddy's Cowboy Boots

I love the way he appreciates what a gift she is to us, and that like me, being without her is not anyway we want to be. We are a family. I live for the weekends when we venture out as a family of three, and our only care is that we are together.

He is my rock, my shelter from the storm, my firm foundation, my calm, my yin, my sense, and my soul.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

~E. E. Cumming

Happy anniversary Hot Stuff. I love you with all of my heart. I always have, and I always will. I will love you forever.

My Dog is Fat

Yes, this post is really about my fat dog because I need advice and am hoping someone out there can help me.

My dogs get bi-annual wellness checks because they are 100% covered by our pet insurance, and because the vet's office always reminds me when it is time to bring in the dogs. After every well exam they send home an information sheet showing my dogs' stats. Sadie's always comes home with the weight section saying she is overweight.

When she was pregnant, my vet kept telling me he couldn't feel the pups because she was too fat. I kept telling him she has always been like that. I feed her the exact same amount as Mags, who is 10+lbs lighter, and I give her as much exercise, although Sadie is definitely my lazy dog.

I had Sadie fixed just over a month ago, and the vet told me when I picked her up that he had had to make her incision longer because she was fat.

I can honestly say, this pisses me off. I don't overfeed her by any stretch of the imagination. Every time my vet has said anything, he tells me to feed her according to the bag of dog food, which I do. I feed her on the low end of the recommendation. I make sure she gets out and gets exercise. Hell, I bought them an automatic ball chucker so they could play fetch all day long if they want to.

After I got Sadie fixed I noticed she was getting fatter. A new acquaintance who had been a vet tech for years suggested I get Sadie's thyroid checked, and have her tested for cushings, so I did. Both tests came back negative.

The vet said Sadie just has a slow metabolism, and that after females are spayed, their metabolisms slow down even more. So he gave me a dog food measuring cup and told me to feed her exactly 2 1/4 cups of dog food every day. I told him I was worried she would still be too hungry, and he said she would be.

Well, I tried to follow his recommendation. I even put her on diet food. But you know what? Sadie has gotten fatter! She hasn't been this fat since she was pregnant. She's huge! I am sure it is because she is finding ways to supplement her diet, which involves cleaning up other animals "leavings".

Last time I put her on diet food, she got fatter. So my dilemma is, do I feed her enough diet dog food to keep her satiated, or do I only give her the bare minimum, leaving her hungry and turning to scrounging?

It almost seems as though I should just feed her and Mags the same food, in the same amounts, as I have always done, and let her be a little fluffy, as opposed to feeding her less or putting her on diet food and letting her "supplement", which only makes her fatter.

Does anyone out there have any advice? I've never had a naturally fat dog before. I love my Sadie, and I want her to be around for a long time, so I try to keep her healthy. But this one has got me scratching my head and frustrated beyond all belief.

Please, someone help me!

Life with Little Bean

I've been wanting to get back into blogging lately, but the amazing thing is I have been so lax, I can't think of anything to blog about anymore. My life, outside of cycling, has been amazingly boring. That's not to say there isn't lots going on, and that Little Bean isn't growing a break-neck speed, but most things going on just are not worth talking about, or should not be talked about on my blog.

I guess I could update on Little Bean. I mean, she is 3.5 years old and is already into 5T clothes. Yes, my daughter is the same size as most 5-year-olds. As if she wasn't growing too fast for my liking, she has to be physically growing too fast too. All of her 4T stuff is getting to be too small and too short. It makes me so sad. The other day she told me it made her sad to get big so fast too, and that she wished she could stay my little baby forever. Me too baby girl.

She has turned into a very chatty little munchkin, full of opinions, and is all kinds of stubborn. I think her favorite thing lately is to randomly throw tantrums. She'll be completely happy and having a good time with you one second, and the next she is being snotty. It blows my mind. But at the end of the day, she is and always will be my baby girl.

Little Bean has decided she hates to sleep alone. She is still in her toddler bed, despite my best efforts to coax Hubs into letting us get her a Princess twin bed. We have already been shopping and picked it out, but Hubs doesn't want to shell out for it until he absolutely has to. Until then, I don't blame Little Bean for not wanting to sleep on her firm, non-breathing crib mattress when she can snuggle up with me in my nice, soft bed. She easily spends at least 1 in 4 nights with me, if not more.

We have recently started having Movie Nights on the weekends. Even though my husband wants all junk food out of the house, I have a stock of movie candy, popcorn, and puffed corn treats, just for movie night. We either rent a movie off the On-Demand, we find something on Netf.lix, or we buy movies from the $5 bin at Walm.art. Little Bean and I love it, and look forward to it all week.

Little Bean is definitely my little buddy. She loves to go to the store with me, be my big helper, imitate me (this is not always a good thing), and just plain be with mama. I'm not sure which one of us loves being together the most. Another one of our favorite things is to take naps together on the weekends. We'll curl up on my bed, watch a half hour of cartoons, and then take a couple hour nap.

Even though my baby girl can test my patience, I can never stay mad at her for long. She has my capacity for holding grudges too, which means you say whatever angry thing you have to say, and then 5 minutes later you're ready to have fun again. Neither of us can stay mad for long.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Little Bean just got put to bed, and now its snuggle time for Hubs and I. Night!