3 Weeks In

It has been 3 weeks since Sweet Pea was born, and man has a lot happened in that time. I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I have been blessed with a seriously wonderful baby. She is so chill I can hardly believe it (knock on wood). I really hope she stays this way because as of right now, I don't think word "fussy" is in her vocabulary. *PLEASE STAY THAT WAY!*

Sleep deprivation has been as brutal as I remembered, but at least this time I am making serious efforts to sleep when I can. Not many people know this, but I suffered from PPD after the birth of Little Bean. It all started with the sleep deprivation, and then an unexplainable refusal to sleep that spiraled into PPD. I know that most of time when I cry these days it is more a result of sleep deprivation than baby blues. I just do not do well on small amounts of sleep, so only getting in 2-hour stretches when I'm lucky is really hard on me. The good news in that department is Sweet Pea has finally regained her birth weight, and we've had two nights with 4-hour stretches between feedings (including last night)! Hoorah!

As for feeding, well, breast feeding kicked my trash and I am officially out. All last week I was constantly battling clogged ducts. They were pure torture and I couldn't work them out myself. I had to have Hubs keep helping me get them out. As soon as we'd conquer one, I'd get another. It was non-stop for days until I finally begged Hubs to let me throw in the towel. I tried. I gave it my all. I bought a different pump, I rented a pump, I was constantly on the phone with my lactation consultant, but in the end, I lost. It took 36 hours, 8 heads of cabbage, and a tube of Cabo Cream to get me over the engorgement hump. It was an extremely unpleasant 36 hours. Luckily I have Hubs who is seriously amazing and supportive to help me get through it. He took over all of the feedings the first night, which was really sweet because it was a Thursday night and he had to work the next day. I wish I could say it is all done, but I have a few ducts that still refuse to give up. At least I can hold my baby to me without being in pain now.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to Hubs. He has been beyond this world incredible. I can't believe how much he has taken over and never once made a deal about it. He has taken on everything with such grace and love. There is no question in my mind that this man loves me and loves me dearly. Luckily his employer thinks as highly of him as I do, so they have let him work from home to help me out since the baby was born. So in addition to working his 40+ hours a week, he takes care of Little Bean almost 100%, he takes care of me as much as I need him to, and he helps out with the baby as much as I need him to. On top of that, he takes care of all of the other things that come up around the house. I don't know how he does it, and I can't believe how graciously he handles it. I feel like there is nothing I can do to show how much I appreciate everything he has taken on. Everything seems so small in comparison. The man definitely owns the title of Super Man. I am so incredibly blessed, and I know it. Most men wouldn't do half the stuff he has been, and most of the ones who would, would complain about it, but not my man.

Little Bean did well with everything for the first little while, but the last couple of days she has really been acting out. She's been doing all kinds of things she knows she isn't supposed to do, and some of them seem downright blatant. She loves the baby, there is no question, but she has taken advantage of the fact that I am spending so much time taking care of the baby and myself, and that Hubs is operating above capacity for a normal human being. I am honestly surprised our gerbils are still in their cage with as often as she's had their door open and been playing in their cage. Her acting out makes me feel like a horrible mother because we are constantly getting after her for one thing after another. All she wants is a little more attention. I sat with her at bedtime last night and just cried. I know it will get better, but man this is hard!

When Little Bean was born, I lamented the passing of every day. I hated how time was slipping through my fingers, which is part of the reason I refused to sleep. This time, I am glad for the passing of each day because it means we are closer to getting through the difficult parts of having a newborn, and closer to being able to fully enjoy my family while not being sleep deprived. Don't get me wrong, I love having my newborn, especially since we are done having babies. I just need to get to a point where I feel like I have my feet under me again. Thank heaven I have such an amazing husband to help me get there.