This past weekend I realized how much of Little Bean's life I documented during her first couple of years. This also made me realize how much of my own life I documented, postpartum and otherwise. I often find myself needing to refer back to my blog to remember what events happened when. By not blogging lately, I have been doing Sweet Pea and I a major disservice. So on that note, let's get on with th latest and greatest.
Sweet Pea is officially going through the 4-month sleep regression, and it is hell. I'm not going to lie. The little girl will get so sleepy, she will start to cry... and cry... and cry. She gets herself so wound up, she can't go to sleep. Most of the time it doesn't matter what Hubs or I do. She gets herself into a little cycle and refuses her pacifier and all comfort that would have normally lulled her to sleep. In addition to this, she wakes up multiple times a night every night. I used to go in up to three times a night, sometimes staying in there for up to half an hour at a time, but the sleep deprivation has gotten so bad, I just can't do it anymore. Hubs handles sleep deprivation better than I do, and he seems to be able to get the baby back to sleep much better than I do, so he has been an absolute savior and gets up with her every night, sometimes 6-7 times a night and for as long as an hour and a half a night. Needless to say, we are both very tired all of the time.
Besides the sleep regression, Sweet Pea is doing really well. She is rolling over from front to back. She is starting to giggle like crazy. Today she giggled every time I kissed her cheeks. Kissing her cheeks is no rarity. I often kiss her so much my lips are chapped. I can't kiss the baby enough.
Her baby sitter puts her in a walker during the day, and the other day, Sweet Pea walked across her front room to the window, and then sat there chatting to herself for half an hour. That night, Hubs and I went to the store and bought her a walker for home. She has already been enjoying the wonders of her Jumparoo, but a walker provides mobility! It is so hilarious to watch my 4.5-month-old walk across the room!
The only bummer news (besides the sleep regression) is Sweet Pea has plagiocephaly, which is basically when the baby's head is not symmetrical and has a flat spot. I have been working with her since she was 2-months-old, trying to get her head to round out, but it just won't. She has a giant flat spot on the back right of her head, and it is also pushing her head up. We took her to a cranial center after her last checkup, and sure enough, she needs a helmet. At first I was kind of upset. I don't want people staring at my baby. I wasn't going to tell anyone, and make sure we only took pictures when her helmet was off, or only take her out without her helmet. But I've gotten used to the idea, and I'm getting over caring if people stare or make comments. I would rather have them comment on her helmet than her noticeably flat head. I'm going to teach Little Bean how to tell people to stop staring. There's nothing like being put in your place by a 4-year-old!
As for me, well, I wish I could say I was doing awesome. This is another area of my life I thought I would keep secret, but I have decided to take the Brooke Shields approach. Just as I chose to be open about my infertility, I am going to choose to be open about my postpartum anxiety. Part of this is because I need to remember that this happened, just in case we do ever get pregnant again, I will know I went through this twice before and made it out just fine, so I can do it again.
Basically my biggest symptoms are feeling completely overwhelmed to the point on full-on panic attacks. Most days I don't care if the house is a giant mess. I would rather spend time enjoying my hard-won daughters. But every now and then, I start to freak out and everything has to be cleaned up NOW. Hubs has been amazing through all of this. I really could not have a better partner by my side. He has never once gotten upset or made me feel like he has been put out by any of this. He is so supportive and helps me out however he can, even if that is just to take the girls so I can take a nap.
Some days the sleep deprivation, combined with sensory overload from the anxiety, my body literally shuts down, and its like I'm a narcoleptic. I fall asleep no matter how hard I fight it. If I don't lay down, I won't have a choice. I remember this happening with Little Bean too.
One of the worst symptoms though is the memory loss. Some days I won't remember things that happened merely hours ago. My days run together sometimes. I forget a lot of things, and it is very bothersome. Some days I forget things only to forget I forgot them and remember later that I forgot them. Confusing, right? Tell me about it! I actually broke down yesterday and ordered a paper planner. I need to have things written down where I can see them.
Well, I need to end this post here. Hubs is waiting for me to snuggle with him and watch TV. After everything he has done for me, I can't deny him a little cuddle.