Saturday, March 24, 2012

Someone's Missing

One day last week, Hubs and I were loading Baby Bean into the car to go get some dinner. After I had her all buckled in she pointed to the seat next to her and said, "Someone's missing." The look I gave my husband probably said a million things all at once.

I swore up and down over the past year that a laparoscopy was our last step, and then we were moving on with our lives. I did over a year's worth of medicated cycles, just so I could say I tried. I was tired of fighting this losing battle, and I just wanted to enjoy my life and the blessings I already have in it. I wanted to move on from the 5-year battle.

While I was in California for business a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in a meeting in a woman's office. On one of her shelves were pictures of her three kids. My coworker asked about her kids, and she told us two were in college, and the last was in high school. She talked for a few minutes about her kids, and then all of a sudden, I felt like someone was grabbing my heart and squeezing. I wanted to cry. It took everything I had to keep from crying.

I'm not done. My family is not complete.

I can't tell you what was said during that hour+ meeting, because all I could do was breathe through the pain that was flowing through my veins. I kept envisioning my life 15 years from now, and that life had three kids in it. I have always wanted three kids. Even when I was in high school, three was my desired number.

For an hour, a battle raged in my heart and head. I was done. I swore I was done. I felt so free after the surgery and since. I had done all I could, or rather was willing to put my family through. I drew the line at fully medicated cycles and stood by that. But my heart ached so much in that moment. I wanted so badly to call or text my husband for comfort and support.

A couple of months ago, BB found my fertility monitor and asked what it was. I told her it was to help mom and dad hopefully make another baby. She handed it to me and said, "Here, make a baby, and show me when you're done." I laughed so hard. Every time she sees the monitor since then, she tells me to make a baby.

Tonight we were at the store, and a baby was crying a few rows over. BB made a comment about how the baby was sad, and asked if we should go get it to cheer it up. She then asked if we could take it home and keep it.

For months BB has told me she has a brother and a sister. Funny enough, she calls them both Kate.

The other night while I was bathing her, I was asking her number questions. "How many eyes do you have? How many fingers do you have? How many people are in your family? How many people do you wish were in your family?" The answer to the last question, five.

I don't know if my daughter knows something I don't. Maybe all little kids go through this phase where they want siblings. But one thing I do know, is that her seemingly constant desire for a brother and sister have made it very difficult to put down my weapons and walk away from the infertile fight.

When I made my appointments with the two new REs, I had no intention of getting into cycles. I only wanted a second and third opinion. After receiving my records from my current RE, I know I was right in doing so (more on that in another post). But now, I am not sure which way to steer this ship. I guess I will wait and talk to them before making any kind of decision. Being in limbo is so much easier than making decisions sometimes. Just keep on doing what you're doing and calling it good.

I just wish I knew what I needed to do. What path I needed to choose. More importantly, I wish I could find a doctor I could trust. I wish I knew the future, but, "it is hidden from us by infinite wisdom."


Heather said...

You've been through this 'lets fight-I've had enough' cycle a few times and you know what, that's totally fine! Your subconscious knows when your body, mind and emotions need a rest. Build your strength up now and when the right doctor (or even the right direction to head) come into your life you'll be ready to give it your all!

*Jess* said...

I totally understand not feeling done, and I can;t wait to hear what the second opinion is!

Carrie said...

That gave me goosebumps when I read that she said "someone's missing."

I say, if you feel like you are going to look back with regret, then maybe you aren't done. Maybe the feeling of peace is what you needed to give yourself an overdue break from worrying about it all and now it's time to try again. Hopefully these new REs can figure out how to make it work. (((hugs)))

Kahla said...

Praying that your path is clear after meeting with the new REs. Chase is on a baby brother kick, we have two frozens and that's our last shot. Terrifies me. I'll be the first to admit that I would like another.

Barb said...

Xo. And docs are hard ugh

Mazzy said...

So. Don't ignore those feelings. God places them upon us for a reason.

I know you are seeing 2 new RE's. I am not going to be a pest but I PRAY you are going to see Dr. Cohen at Medical City Dallas. He is ONE OF A KIND. No one else like him. I cannot possibly think of enough good words to say about him and his integrity and his knowledge.

My first RE really, REALLY messed me up and I felt like I didn't trust anyone and within the first 30 minutes of talking to him at our initial meeting? I felt completely different.

I hope you find the right person for you. I really do.

Journey Girl said...

Most of the time, I feel like your twin sister who lives in Australia - I feel so many of the same things that you do. I totally get the 'someone's missing' feeling. We got family photo's taken last Christmas and they are beautiful but every time I look at it, I think 'incomplete'. I also get why you want it over, I want that completely in my heart so that I can move on and get on with our lives. It is such an up and down bunch of feelings.

For me, I have to feel that I have done everything in my power to complete our family and I am not sure what 'complete' feels like just yet. Like you, I have always dreamed of 3 children but JourneyMan only wants 2 - thus my hope that the next two embies give us twins!!

My advice. Keep you mind and heart open in your meetings with the RE - your other babies might be talking to you through the doctors.

Whatever you decide, we are all here to support you in this very hard time. **hugs**

Potters said...

As time goes on I hope that you find that "someone" that is missing. I think about you and your cute little family all the time. Baby Bean amazes me with how smart and observant she is.