Thursday, July 12, 2012


I don't know if it is because of the fact that I'm doing a medicated cycle right now , or if it is just because life is that out of whack, but I am finding that I am really struggling to keep from feeling angry about everything lately. I am in one of those places where it feels like the universe is conspiring to piss me off at every turn. But as I said, it could be the meds from this cycle, which I quit taking last night. That's right, this cycle is was Big Fat Failure. Another few hundred down the drain and nothing to show for it except some bloat and PMS.

I'm not upset the cycle failed; 5 years at this crap and you learn how to have a thick skin. You get that Big Fat Negative on the HPT and you toss it in the trash over your shoulder as you walk out of the bathroom while thinking, "Oh well. What cycle plan should we try next?"

This Sunday we plan on going to the local theme park. Since Hubs works for their corporate headquarters, we can get in before the park even opens and be the first in line for the best rides. Since I'm not pregnant, I intend to ride every single roller coaster I want to this time. And as you will all find out later this year, not being pregnant means other things we have planned are more likely to occur.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow to map out our next cycle plan. The biggest problem I have is that my husband is ZERO help when I am trying to figure out which route to take for this next cycle. I get absolutely NOTHING out of him when I give him our options and ask what he thinks. As if all of this wasn't hard enough to go through every month, the one place he can have input, he refuses to. I am on my own, just like I have been for the past 5 years. I guess I could be classified as insane because I keep asking my husband to help me make these decisions, hoping he actually will, when I know full well he won't.

My options for this next cycle are:
  1. Chlomid, which depletes my lining, and we only have one more chance with it until we would have to take a month off due to its half life and associated side effects. However, it gives us multiple follicles.
  2. Letrozole, which doesn't have an effect on my lining and can be taken more than two months in a row. However, you typically only get one follicle. But from what I understand, it helps create a more viable egg.
  3. Letrozole with injections, which is expensive, but has all of the same benefits as letrozole alone, and the injections help create more follicles. (Again, to me, money is not an issue, but Hubs [the Penny Pincher] disagrees unless he has months to stew over the idea first.)
Honestly, I think I am leaning toward #3. The reason being I don't want to have to take time off because of medication half life. Now I don't know if Dr Dumb freed the left fallopian tube (as opposed to the right, as he stated in his surgery notes) from scar tissue back in January, or if he really did clear the right and the left wasn't encased at that time, or if  both were encased and he only freed one. But the fact of the matter is when Dr H went back in 4 months later, that tube was encased. Because we don't know exactly what happened (because Dr Dumb "lost" my surgery images), I don't know if that scar tissue developed in 4 short months.

In other words, I don't want to waste one cycle because I am afraid that scar tissue will come back, and that our fertile window is small.

Can you tell I am just plain frustrated?!

As if all of that wasn't enough, I think Dr H's staff is incompetent. I won't get into that whole story, but I left his office on Wednesday after a blood pregnancy test and sat outside my office crying on the phone to my husband because I LOVE Dr H, but I don't like his incompetent staff. If I can't get around his staff, I am going to have to change doctors (see above paragraphs).


I'm stressed. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm angry that I feel this way and that it is affecting every aspect of my life.

Hopefully now that I've written this, I can go to sleep tonight and wake up feeling better tomorrow. Hopefully.


Life Happens said...

So sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I was there to give you a BFH (big fat HUG!).

I vote for option#3 too. You want as many follicles as possible. I'm sorry your hubby isn't providing as much input as he should. Have you thought about doing an IVF cycle vs. IUI? I can't remember if you were going that route.

I hope things start to get better. I'm here if you ever need to vent!

Kahla said...

I vote for #3 as well, but I'm a throw as much as we can into the pot kinda girl (and very stubborn)! If you had too many follicles, it could always be converted to an IVF cycle (if you were interested in that). I will be saying lots of prayers for you that you get some peace for the right decision!

*On a side note, the floaties are called puddle jumpers and they are awesome!*

*Jess* said...

I am so sorry about this cycle :( And you have every right to feel angry. Its your emotion and a very valid one!

I'd lean towards number 3 as well.

Also, tell your new RE doctor that his staff sucks. If people complain and he knows he might lose you as a patient, he might do something about it.

Heather said...

I have one of those husbands too. I would handle it by giving him the options and if he wont make a decision, say to him, "ok but if you cant make a decision, I am going to have to and you are agreeing to do whatever I choose by not giving me your input-agreed?" which hopefully spurs him into making a decision or you getting what you want. I say go all out while you're at your youngest and healthiest! Sorry things arent going well for you but I still have so much faith in a good end result for you! xx

Alex said...

Those feelings of being angry at the world just suck! And are completely understandable! I'm so sorry about the BFN. Yes, you get used to them, but they still suck.

Your hubby frustrates me - he likes to stew over the money, but won't participate in the decisions... Sorry!

I'm a go for it kind of person - I would try for option #3 if it were me, but you have to be comfortable with it!

Go have fun on those rollercoasters - scream your heart out!!!

twondra said...

Dang! Man, I'm frustrated FOR you just reading this. Mark used to be the same way. He used to say "Whatever you think is best". Sometimes just an opinion would be best. It was hard.

I'm so sorry sweetie. I hope you're feeling a little more at peace now. Love you!