Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Ugly Truth

My life was in a really awesome extended honeymoon phase when I got pregnant with Little Bean over 4 years ago. I had just started a new job, moved to a new state, moved into a new house, got a new dog, and after 2 years of TTC, we finally got pregnant, all within a 4-month period. It was all so wonderful and perfect and more than I ever could have asked for. So of course when I got pregnant this time, I expected to be as blissfully happy. Why wouldn't I be?

The ugly truth is that outside of this pregnancy I am just plain cranky. It took me a while to figure out why unicorns aren't farting rainbows this time around, but when I really thought about it, I realized my life is in a set pattern now. There is nothing new and exciting going on.We have nothing to look forward to vacation-wise. Life has just become... life. The only thing I have to be excited about is the baby growing in my belly. 

I thought when we finally got home from London a couple of weeks ago that I would be so happy to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground for the next few months because I was sick and tired of flying. But you know what? I find I am actually kind of depressed that as of right now, there is no vacation planned. No Mexico to look forward to this spring because that vacation usually falls when I will be on travel restriction and when the baby will be born.

Not only do we have no vacation planned after going on three last year, we have nothing planned. At all. It got to the point where I had to ask my husband if we could plan something, anything. Even it if is only to go to the farmer's market this weekend, or the renaissance festival this spring (which is when I will be hugely pregnant and close to Sweet Pea's birthdate, so it won't be comfortable walking around for hours on end).

Of course I am over the moon excited and happy to finally be pregnant again. One would think that would be enough to get those unicorns going, but its not. I'm happy if I think about the baby. If I'm not thinking about the baby, I'm cranky. So cranky.

When I was pregnant with Little Bean, I got weekly prenatal massages from the beginning of the second trimester, right up until she was born. I loved it. I couldn't imagine being pregnant without that luxury again, so I made sure it would happen again. Now here's the (not so) funny part, the massages are making me cranky. I can't find a therapist I like this time. I've been to about eight or so now. Trying to book an appointment is such a pain because I can never get the days or times I want. The massages I do get are so lacking I don't want to leave a tip (I still leave one though). I really wish I could just be done getting them, but I have to keep going or lose a ton of money.

Everything seems to just get under my skin too easily. I go back and forth between being cranky and apathetic. Honestly, I prefer the latter. I wish I could spend more time in the apathy department.

When I was pregnant with Little Bean, I would smile at everyone and was very social. I was always happy. This time, I would rather people just leave me alone. I find being social quite bothersome and I worry about how this is affecting the baby. Little Bean was exposed to all happiness all the time. Sweet Pea is exposed to a lot of cranky.

I am hoping this will be relieved in part by starting to prepare for Sweet Pea's arrival. I have ordered a few things for her online that should start showing up this week. One of those items is a blanket for the nursery theme I have chosen. I am going to use it to pick paint colors. I am also going to go up in the attic this weekend and start sorting through baby stuff so that Hubs can bring it down and I can start getting it all washed up to figure out what we will need to buy new for this baby. Last week I started our baby registry because there are always things you wish you had done our bought differently with your first pregnancy, so I put those items on my registry.

I am hoping all I need is something tangible to look forward to. Of course, I think pregnancy hormones play a role in this too, but all I am looking for is a little less cranky.


Making Each Day Count! said...

Oh girl I can relate on so many levels, you are definitely not alone! We don't vacay a lot but I can totally see how not having any coming up would be so hard. I have been so much more cranky this pregnancy too, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. Sometimes I see how I am and I hate myself, lol. Here's to a little less cranky!!! :)

katie said...

Hormones are awful. Do not be so hard on yourself.

Life Happens said...

Maybe you can plan a weekend trip or a day trip. Just something to look forward to. I always feel better when I have something to look forward to.

Sweet Pea will be very social with Little Bean as a big sister!