The End of an Era and The Beginning of a New One

As my third and final pregnancy comes to a close, it is with mixed emotions. I am so excited and happy to meet this little girl. I still in amazement and so incredibly grateful that I was able to get pregnant one last time. I truly never thought I would ever get pregnant again after all of the trouble we had to go through to get our first two. It was only through a great many changes made by Hubs and me, but especially Hubs, over the last couple of years that this miracle is even possible.

The miracle is not, and never will be, lost on me.

Of course, like any other pregnancy, the last month is so uncomfortable, fraught with aches and pains and all manner of complete and total uncomfortableness, which makes even the happiest pregnant woman ready to be done. Heaven knows I LOVE being pregnant. I love the idea of a new life growing inside of me. I don't care if it was my first pregnancy or my 100th, it is truly incredible. I am so glad to be a woman, and the bearer of new life.

Even though I love being pregnant, I am looking forward to not having indigestion so bad that I can't eat after 2:00 in the afternoon, and then have to throw up whatever didn't make it past my stomach by the time I go to bed at night. Yep, I've been having to throw up nightly for the last 8+ weeks. 8 x 7 = 56 straight nights of throne worshiping just to keep from having acid/food backup while I sleep.

I am definitely looking forward to the end of pregnancy discomfort, you know the kind where it feels like your hips are being pulled apart like they are on a taffy pull. Or the joys of round ligament pains, especially the ones that hurt so bad in the middle of the night you have to get out of bed to walk them off and then try to fall back asleep afterward.

One thing I am really looking forward to: getting my brain back! While pregnancy brain can be funny, it can also be frustrating. Mostly for me, its just funny, but that's only when it didn't affect anyone else in a negative way.

All of that aside, this journey has been a roller coaster, but in the end, God was watching out for us and baby Jackpot because we made it! We made it longer than we dared hope. We thought we would be lucky to make it to 36 weeks, and with my already being high risk for rupture, that was all we were counting on. With just a month to go, we decided with the high risk OB and my regular OB that things looked so good, we could make it another week. One more week to let baby Jackpot's lungs develop a little longer, to give her some more time to get ready for the outside world, and to give her her very best chance at being born healthy and avoiding NICU time.


At my 19 week anatomy scan with our high risk doctor, she noticed some scarring at the bottom of my uterus. When she asked if I knew what it was from, I told her I assumed it was from the D&C I had after Sweet Pea was born because of retained placenta. To err on the side of caution, my doctor did an internal sono for a cervix check. This was when we discovered that I had a funneling cervix, which means that instead of being nice and tightly closed, the top part of my cervix was opening up, leaving my functional cervix at a scarily short length.

I was immediately put on modified bed rest. The funny thing was before we found that out, I had asked if I could be released to my regular OB for the remainder of my pregnancy so we could follow the same protocol as we had with Sweet Pea, which was monthly sonos to check the weak spot of my uterus for signs of potential rupture. After seeing the funneling cervix, I became a higher high risk patient. I then had to go back every two weeks for growth and cervix checks. Some weeks were better than others. But at my 21-week checkup, things had gotten noticeably worse and I was put on strict bed rest for the duration.

Strict bed rest mean I was allotted 2 hours a day to take care of personal business like eating, going to the loo, showering, etc. Nothing fun like going to the store, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, day trips to anywhere or anything else.

For a couple of months we kept hoping that things would improve enough that we could still go on the vacation we had planned to Cancun. As the day got closer, things looked less and less likely. Four weeks before we were supposed to fly away for a sunny and much needed vacation, we had to cancel our plans.

Bed rest hasn't been easy on anyone. Hubs basically became a single father of three, having to do and be everything for everyone. Instead of having a spouse to help him, he got to go it alone: get the kids up and ready for school and out the door, feed everyone, clean the house, mow the lawn, do all of the grocery shopping, everything. He has handled it all with amazing grace. He barley complained over the last few months about how he had to step up and do everything. He hardly said anything even in the beginning when he had hurt his back really bad while putting down Sweet Pea a few days before I got put on bed rest.

He picked and chose what was important and what wasn't, and I chose to let go of the things he didn't want to do or didn't do the way I do them. He decided that spending time with his family was more important than trying to keep up with cleaning the house and hired a maid service. This also served to keep me from going insane looking at a messy house and to keep me on my backside, because he knows if things drive me crazy enough, I WILL do them on my own. He has done all he can to make sure I staid off my feet and reclined as much as he possibly can.

You want to know what a serious Husband/Father of the Year Candidate looks like? That would be my husband. I don't feel like I can show my appreciation enough, and heaven knows I try!

Luckily I was able to continue working during my bed rest, to save my precious maternity leave for when I get to hold my baby in my arms. Bed rest could not have come at a better time as far as my workload was concerned. I had just wrapped up all of my projects and was in a low tide phase while new products were in the R&D phase. I am fortunate in my career choice, but also in my employer, or rather manager and coworkers. My managers have been amazing and accommodating. They were friends before they were managers, and as far as I'm concerned, our relationships are still friends before coworkers. They were all so supportive and caring.

When I found out I was pregnant back in November, one of the first things I told Hubs was that if this pregnancy was good, we were done. Then the pregnancy got scary and kept taking on new levels of high risk. When I got put on bed rest, we knew we were done. Done, done, done after the baby was born.

I have only ever wanted three kids, a decision I made and have stuck by since I was a teenager. I actually remember the moment when I was 17 and knew I only ever wanted three.

I kept meaning to tell my regular OB that I wanted to have my tubes tied when baby Jackpot was delivered, but kept forgetting. At my appointment a few weeks ago, she asked me if that was part of our plan. My reaction surprised me.

I started crying. Big fat crocodile tears.

Then I started laughing through my tears and nodded my head yes.

I told her I didn't know why I was crying, that this was always the plan, and that I had kept meaning to tell her at each appointment.

She asked how long this had been my plan, and I told her (through my tears) since I was in high school. But it was cemented once the pregnancy was good. Hubs and I had talked about this many times over the past few months, and every time we hit a new level of high risk, we knew this was the choice we had to make.

She told me if it was a choice I had made in the past few weeks due to being uncomfortable or emotional, she would not perform the procedure, but because it was something that was always the plan, she would do it for us. Then she told me they don't tie tubes anymore because they are link to a 70% higher chance of ovarian cancer. Instead, they perform a fimbriectomy where they cut the tubes off completely now.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to go through with the fibriectomy. It is so final and completely irreversible. I know we won't get pregnant again because we're done having babies, and because it just wouldn't be wise. But there is a part of me that is just struggling with the permanence of the procedure. However, we will have to prevent somehow and there are very few options that we are okay with. The ones we are okay with are not 100% foolproof. So I have a big decision to make before I head down to deliver baby Jackpot.

I cried a lot through our discussion. I stopped long enough to checkout and get to the car, and then I just sobbed and laughed at myself the whole way home.

Why was I so upset?

Because the past almost 10 years my life has been about building my family. Because for my whole life, my existence revolved around growing up and having babies, building a family, and now that chapter is coming to a close. There is so much more beyond that, but it would take me days to get into it and write it all out. The bottom line is the purpose of my life is changing from building my family to simply raising my family. My baby-making journey is over.

Its kind of a hard pill to swallow. No more babies after this. I love being pregnant, but I won't get to be pregnant again. This chapter of my life, of being young and fertile is closing. Now I need to focus solely on raising my kids, and not making more.

I can't believe how fast the past 8 months have gone. I can't believe we are actually here. It is so bittersweet. I finally have the three babies I always wanted. My family is complete. This chapter was almost 10 years in the making, and now it is closing so a new one can begin.

I get to live my dream. I am so blessed and so incredibly grateful.

What's Next

I FINALLY made it to the second trimester! Let me tell you, that first trimester was a doozy! It was by far the scariest first trimester of all three of my pregnancies. On the upside, because I am considered "AMA" (Advanced Maternal Age), I was given the option to DNA testing at our NT scan a couple of weeks ago. Of course I jumped at the opperchancity! I wasn't worried about the baby having any chromosomal issues, but getting to know the sex of your baby with 100% certainty at 13 weeks is pretty stinking awesome.

As it turns out,

Everyone feels bad for Hubs, being stuck in a house full of girls. But he actually preferred another girl. We already have two so he knows how to parent girls, and we already have everything for a girl. He's a very logical man.

Little Bean was very excited of course, and Sweet Pea couldn't care less yet. Hubs and Little Bean already picked out Baby Jackpot's name, and I was outvoted. Why should I have any say, right? I mean, I AM just the gestational carrier making a person out of food here.

So what else has been happening lately? Well, a couple of months back, I got my little brother a job where I work and he was relocated here to Texas! Of course it was a good thing for me, but not so much for the rest of my family. They all miss him very much, especially my parents. For the last few years, he has been a HUGE help to my parents. But everyone knew he needed to move on and start a life of his own.

So far his transition hasn't been easy. He's homesick. He misses the my family, the mountains, and his friends. I keep telling him it will get better. Right now he's still in a holding pattern. That will all change later this week when he closes on his first house! Of course he's pretty apprehensive about that too. Who wouldn't be? Once he moves in and makes the house his own, I feel like he'll start to feel a little more settled. Over time, he will make friends, and he'll start to feel more at home here. I know first hand how hard it is to pack up your life and leave everything and everyone you've ever known. Even if you really want it, like I did, its still hard at first.

My husband sure loves having my brother here. Hubs likes very few people. There are even fewer people who he likes to hang out with. My brother is a definite exception. Since my bro moved here, those two go to the gym together 3-4 times a week. They go rock climbing with Little Bean. My husband has said that even though my brother is only going to live a couple of miles away, he wish he was closer, for selfish reasons. I love how well those two get along, and I love how much my husband likes my brother. Now he has someone to go hang out with, someone to go do things with, somewhere to go to get out of the house every now and then. My girls and dogs really love having him here too.

Something else that was exciting about my brother moving here is I got a referral bonus. I used it to finally replace our old couch and love seat that I hated. (We gave them to my brother [he he]). I bought us some sweet leather reclining sofas, cause I'm awesome like that!

Next up, a new car! My sedan just isn't big enough to accommodate another car seat and other people, such as my brother. I already know what I want, I'm just waiting for my annual bonus from work. That and I want to enjoy the car I have right now for as long as I can. I really love my car. I'm going to have a hard time trading it in. If only it had one more row of seats!

Well, I suppose that is it for me tonight. Everyone should be home from the gym soon, and then the bedtime routing kicks into full gear.

Look Who's Back!

It may be temporary, but I have been thinking about getting back into blogging for a long time. Why would it be temporary, you ask? We'll get to that in a bit.

Obviously a LOT has happened since I last blogged. Sweet Pea has grown so much. She is still the amazing little joy she has always been. She is so happy and laid back. Everyone who meets her, loves her. She has switched daycares, which was a rough transition for her, her old sitter, and me. We LOVED her old sitter, but the plan was always to move her over to the same daycare as her sister once Little Bean started Kindergarten (ahhhh!). The teachers at her current daycare just LOVE her. They send home notes regularly to tell me how much they love having her in their class and what a joy she is. She is a little snuggle bug, she still giggles when she pets the animals, and she loves to play chase. We were so blessed with such an easy-going little girl.

Little Bean started Kindergarten in the fall. In fact, she will be 6 next month already! Where has the time gone?! I can't believe it. She is growing up so fast. She lost her first tooth a couple of weeks ago and is getting ready to lose another here pretty soon. She still loves being a big sister. She is a huge help with Sweet Pea and around the house. She is learning to cook, and loves to learn new skills. She can be a little dramatic, but she balances it out with her great big heart.

But do you want to know our most exciting news? Remember over a year ago when Sweet Pea was born my OB asked what we wanted to do for birth control and I laughed at her and told her Hubs and I were both infertile, and that if we got pregnant God must really want us to have that baby, and that our chances of getting pregnant were as good as winning the lottery?

Well, I guess God really wanted us to add another member to our family! Baby, we hit the jackpot!

Hubs and I were completely shocked. We honestly never thought we would get pregnant on our own. I was perfectly happy and content with our family of four. After Sweet Pea was born, I no longer had the crazy urge to add to my family anymore. When I would ask the girls if they wanted another sibling, both of them would say no. I thought we were done.

Then one night I had a sneaking suspicion.... I wasn't sure, but I knew anything was possible. The next morning, I took a dollar store test and got this:

I was in total shock! I didn't know how to tell Hubs, especially because the night before he had told me he was burned out on all of us. The girls had been super fussy all day and I had been really b****y for the past couple of weeks (now I knew why!). I didn't blame him at all. But this was the first time I didn't immediately tell him we were expecting. Instead, I sat on it all day and decided to write him a letter telling him how much I love and appreciate him and what a wonderful father he is. Then I followed it up with pictures saying we would need another chair at our table and we'd need to get the baby carseat carrier out of the attic because our family was about to grow  by two feet. His reaction was the best one yet! He read the letter, smiled, looked at me and said, "Oh yeah?!" I just cried and nodded.

The next few weeks were scary. There were a few times I thought for sure we had lost the baby. I had bright red bleeding, I had period-like bleeding, and I passed clots. Yet somehow, this little miracle was unaffected by it all. We had our first sono at 6 weeks and I got to see my baby and hear the heartbeat. I just cried. I had bleeding again at 7 weeks, again, a sono showed the baby was fine. At 9 weeks we went to the ER with bleeding and then went to the OB two days later with more bleeding. At the OB, I got to see my sweet little Jackpot move. After that visit, the bleeding and spotting stopped.

The last two weeks have been so uneventful that that worried me. But yesterday, Sweet Pea got to go to the doctor with me, and while she sat on my chest, the doctor did a sono and we got to see baby Jackpot. For some reason, it was at yesterday's visit that the reality of this baby finally hit me.

I'M PREGNANT!!!!

I am really, truly pregnant!

They say parents are excited with their first two babies, but after #2, the magic wears off. Not for this mama. This pregnancy is every bit as exciting and miraculous as the first two. I am so blissfully happy and excited. I thank God every day for this little miracle. Like the first two, I am not taking one second for granted.

This pregnancy is a little bittersweet though, because it will be our last. I have decided we will prevent after this one is born. Its kind of sad to think that our family building days are almost done, but Hubs and I are getting too old to keep making more, and you don't even want to know what our daycare bill is going to look like! Honestly, I always wanted three kids. I was okay with one, totally content with two, but secretly wished for three.

My sweet little family is about to grow by two feet. We are so blessed. The miracle is not lost on us. We look forward to welcoming little Baby Jackpot.

Happy First Birthday to My Little Miracle

Dear Little Sweet Pea,

I cannot believe how quickly the past year has flown. It has been an incredible blessing, and I have not taken one day for granted. You have been my little sunshine. I thank God every day for blessing our family with your sweet little personality. You were very wanted, and always will be. You have grown and filled my heart with endless joy.

Over the past year you went to Six Flags, Hurricane Harbor, and took your first plane trip and went to Disney World where we got to spend time with uncle Birdman. Grandma and grandpa came for the day you were born, and again when you were blessed. Grandma and your cousin K came for your first birthday party.

You learned how to crawl when you were about 8 months old and never looked back. You're not quite walking yet, but you are such a laid back, easy going baby, I never worry about you hitting milestones. You always seem to do things in your own time. What's the hurry? You'll get there when you're ready.

People comment all of the time about how happy and easy going you are. You love to smile, and you very rarely fuss. You have the most adorable little laugh, and the sweetest little smile. You LOVE to be held and to snuggle. Mama loves to kiss you endlessly, and you are definitely the apple of daddy's eye. It seems that no one in this world can hold a candle to your big sister as far as you're concerned. You have a smile and giggle that you reserve only for her. She can make you laugh and laugh. The two of you were as close from the day you were born as I dreamed you would be. I know that you two will be best friends forever.

You are definitely a people person. You love to be in your walker so you can follow mama around and run over my toes. You are also content to just hang out next to me in you walker, like the day we sat outside and put a new lawn mower together to surprise daddy. You follow me almost everywhere and tug on my pants to tell me you want to be held. I will hold you no matter how much my arms or back hurt. I savor each and every moment I have with you.

Right now you only have two little teeth on the bottom. As a result, you aren't much of a solid eater yet. I don't mind. I like to snuggle with you and feed you a bottle. It won't last forever, so I'm soaking it up. You do love your yogurt bites and rice crackers though. I love the way you squeal and get excited when you see the packages.

While you can say "mama" and "daddy", your first word was definitely "Hi!" You LOVE to say "Hi" to mommy and daddy over and over. Sometimes you wave when you say hi too. You love to clap and say "Yay!" as well. You can even give high fives!

Another thing you absolutely love is the bunny, Olaf. Oh boy do you love that bunny! You will crawl over to his cage, and mama has to try to keep your fingers out of there. You squeal with delight when mama pulls him out because you want to pet his soft little head.

Sweet Pea, this last year has been AMAZING. I am so beyond blessed that you were strong and beat the odds to make it here into our hearts and arms. I can't wait to see what the next year brings as you learn to walk and talk and travel the world with us. I can't wait to get your first passport! I promise life will never be dull in this family. Thank you for being so strong, amazing, and sweet.

I love you with all of my heart for ever and always.

Love,
Mom

Don't Judge Me

I am a working mother. I work 40 hours a week, and spend about an hour going to and from work, including picking up kids from school and daycare. I get an hour for lunch every day. My days start at 7:00 a.m. and end somewhere around 10:00, with me in bed by about 11:00 and maybe, if I'm lucky, asleep by midnight.

From Monday to Friday I am working, going to meetings, stressing, meeting deadlines, socializing with coworkers to keep my sanity, working, stressing, and so on. I usually don't make it home until an hour before our bedtime routine begins. I get one hour to feed Little Bean, play with the baby, do a little tidying, and whatever else demands immediate attention. Then its time to bathe the baby and get her ready for bed. After which, it is time to get everyone else ready for bed, including getting Little Bean bathed, into pajamas, spending some snuggle time with her, then putting her to bed; feeding the dogs, the fish, and the gerbils; getting myself showered and ready for bed; and then hopefully spending an hour or so snuggling with Hubs before its time to go to bed.

Do I make choices with my time? Absolutely. Do I feel like I always make those choices wisely? No, not always.

As a working mom, there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be. My house constantly look like a tornado named after Little Bean tore through it. Most days I choose to spend time with my hard-won babies instead of cleaning, putting the latter off until the weekend. My kitchen always has dishes in the sink. I constantly have dog fur tumble weeds hiding near baseboards and under furniture. There is a layer of dust on almost all surfaces. My carpets could stand to be vacuumed twice a week, instead of one. But I try to make my kids a priority. It doesn't always work that way because sometimes the mess stresses me out so much, I can't stand another minute looking at the chaos. So, some days I clean at the expense of being with my kids.

When my children need to go to the doctor, I have to take them during a workday. Same thing if I have to go to the doctor, or the dogs have to go to the vet. I have to schedule my home life around meetings and workloads. When my children are sick, I get to work from home.

On my weekends I get two days a week to play catchup. Two days to:

• Clean the house (no small task)
• Vacuum the entire house
• Really good and clean the kitchen
• Do 4+ loads of laundry, fold it, and put it away
• Wash the fountain dog water dish
• Clean the gerbil cage
• Clean the fish tank (yes, this needs to be done weekly)
• Grocery shop, which usually includes going to 3+ stores
• Put gas in the car

Add to this mix any "extra-curricular" activities, such as shopping for clothes or fun, going to out for enjoyment, etc.

The problem is, by the time the weekend rolls around, I am so exhausted that when I wake up on Saturday mornings all I want to do is climb back into bed. I usually try to drag myself around the house to clean, or go out to the store to get some weekly shopping in. My thought process is usually wondering what I can push off to a night during the week, knowing full well that if I don't do it on the weekend, it won't get done. Most Saturdays I make the choice to take a much needed nap. My weeks are long, stressful, and draining. I just can't muster the energy to catch up around the house.

I was raised Christian, and as such, that Sundays were meant to be a day of rest. I try very hard to not go out on Sundays, but some weeks I am so behind I have to go out and do our weekly grocery shopping, or mow the lawn, or finish cleaning the house. As a working mom, I don't get much of a break. I have to do everything stay-at-moms do in a couple hours during the week, or on my weekends.

Is my working a choice? Yes and no. I enjoy working. I wish that I could work part time to find a better balance between work and family, but my job is full-time. I love what I do and where I work and the people I work with.

I do the best I can for my children. I try to give them everything I can to make sure they grow up well-adjusted, knowing they were loved, and that their mom did the best she could by them. We put them in the best schools and in the most loving, caring hands for daycare. They don't want for much.

All I ask for at the end of the day is to be appreciated and to have my efforts recognized. I am asking to be respected for what I do; everything that I do. I am not asking for a pity party, and I sure as hell am not asking to be judged. I always tell my family I am amazing, but I'm not so amazing that I can do everything all at once. Sometimes my house is a disaster. Sometimes I shop on Sunday. Sometimes I drink caffeine to keep me going. But dammit, I am doing the best I can.

I am a working mother.

A Long Dry Spell

I think three months is officially the longest I have gone without blogging since I started back in 2007. To be honest, the only reason I'm doing it now is because I have to babysit a download to prevent it from failing, it is 10:30 p.m., and my kids are in bed.

Why has it been so long? Well, having two kids is more work than I realized it was going to be. That combined with the holidays left no time for blogging, and put it to the furthest thing from my mind. I don't have time to update or read, so I don't stress about it and just don't do it. I'm writing all of this so that Sweet Pea understands one day why I didn't blog about all of her babyhood. That being said, she has a better kept baby book than Baby Bean did. lol

Obviously a lot has gone on in the past three months. Little Bean got to go trick-or-treating four times at Halloween and dressed up as So.fia the F.irst or Rapun.zel, depending on how she felt that day. Sweet Pea dressed up as an adorable sheep. Apparently I don't have those pictures on my computer, so here is another one from that month instead. This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of the girls.

The biggest and best is that Sweet Pea went on her first vacation! We took the family to Disney World in November and met my little brother there for a week of good times. Little Bean LOVED Disney World. Sweet Pea didn't care a whole lot. She did get to go on a couple of rides, but she slept a lot. I bought her a new stroller for the trip so that it was compact enough to travel, yet would almost completely recline and had an awesome sunshade. That stroller was put through it paces and passed with flying colors.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from that trip.

Shortly after returning home from that trip, and the day before Thanksgiving, I had foot surgery. I'm still stuck in a boot for a few more days, and can't wait to get it off.

Next came Christmas, and it was a big one. Sadly, Sweet Pea got tired about half way through and had to go down for a nap before she could see all of her gifts. Luckily, Little Bean didn't mind helping unwrap all of them in her absence.

Little Bean got her first bike, complete with training wheels; a whole bunch of books, both beginning reader books for her and bedtime story books; tons of Disney princess stuff; lots of So.pia the F.irst toys; and other miscellaneous things.

Sweet Pea got a "Ro.ll Arou.nd Car" that doesn't actually move, a bunch of interactive baby toys, and some clothes.

Things going on with Sweet Pea:

• She's still wearing her helmet, but her head looks so AWESOME. I can't believe the difference. Now we are just waiting for her to be able to pull herself into a sitting position, and its So Long Helmet!
• At 8-months-old she still has yet to break through a tooth.
• She loves to sit unassisted and play with her toys.
• Her favorite mode of getting around is rolling.
• She talks up a storm! Her favorite word is "mama" (YES!).
• She LOVES her big sister and lights up whenever she walks in the room. Only sister can get her to giggle the way she does.
• She cries when I leave the room.
• She loves to be held and to snuggle. In fact, I think she prefers it most times. When all else fails to soothe her, snuggle.

Little Bean still loves being a big sister more than anything. It is the best thing in the world to sit and snuggle with my girls.

Well, I think that is it for me for now. Its bedtime, and I am one tired mama. Until next time!

P.S. Spelling mistakes are likely, as I hurried to write this and am not spell checking before posting. :D

I Wanted to be a Teacher

Sometimes I wonder why I am so open about what goes on in my life. As I was thinking about it tonight, I realized its because I have always wanted to be a teacher. When I first went to college, my major was going to be secondary education. I wanted to be a high school English teacher. That dream was squashed when I transferred from a junior college to a university, and the university basically told me I was going to start my education over again and would be there for 5 more years.

Even though I didn't end up being an English teacher, I ended up in a profession where I essentially teach. I even create trainings on a regular basis because it is what I like doing, and I'm good at it.

To go from teaching and writing to educating the world about the other side isn't that much of a stretch. Sometimes I think about not writing about what is going on in my life, but at the end of the day, I like to provide prospective and education to others who have no idea what it is like to experience infertility, post partum anxiety, and now a baby with plagiocephaly.

Last Wednesday, Sweet Pea got her new helmet. Over the last few days, we have slowly been breaking her into wearing it 23 hours a day. The first day she wore it for an hour, and then was free from it for an hour all day. The second day was two hours on, one hour off. The third was four hours on, one hour off and napping in it. Today was 8 hours on, napping, and finally going to bed with it on. Tomorrow starts our first 23 hour day.

I have gone back and forth on how I feel about this helmet. I know Sweet Pea needs it because her head is so stinking flat. It looks like someone shaved off the back, right side of her head. Whenever I see it, I am all for this helmet. But then when I can't snuggle my cheek up against her head as I carry her around, I hate it. When I can't easily bestow her with my million kisses every day, I hate it. I know when it starts to stink and the rubbing alcohol won't get the smell out, I will hate it.

I won't lie, I can't wait until we can be rid of this thing. I can't wait until her head is perfectly round and beautiful. I know it will be worth it. I just wish we were closer to the end of treatment than at the very beginning. This is the only time in Sweet Pea's life that I will hope she grows quickly. The faster she grows, the faster we are done with this.

Friday night Little Bean's school had a family cookout. It was Sweet Pea's first helmet debut. What better way to show it off than to a bunch of children? It was a great way to get our feet wet with the questions, comments, and stares we will encounter over the next couple months. Everyone reacted as I expected: children asked questions, everyone stared, and most adults seemed to be just a little bit nicer than normal. One old lady even came up to me and told me her son had had to wear a helmet when he was a baby too.

Saturday was our town debut. I took the girls to Tar.get to do some grocery shopping. It went just as I thought it would. Lots of stares and kids asking questions. I won't lie, I was a bit rattled. I hated everyone staring at us. I tried to ignore everyone and just get my shopping done so we could go home. When I was putting the cart away in the parking lot, a lady came up and asked, "Is that one of those helmets?" I told her it was. She asked if Sweet Pea had to wear it because she hit her head a lot. It is so hard to not be snarky. I told her Sweet Pea just had a flat spot and we were rounding out her head. Again, I totally wanted to be snarky and say, "because my husband and I are vain like that."

I hope that at some point all of this becomes normal to me. Yes I knew it was going to be like this, and I know it is all a matter of how I handle it, but its a bit unnerving. I don't like people staring at me or my baby. I guess I will just have to make sure I do my hair everyday. If I'm going to be noticed more, they might as well think I'm put together. They already notice how adorable Sweet Pea is. I do have to give props, my baby rocks that helmet! It is cuter than I thought it would be, and she makes that helmet look downright adorable. It pushes her chubby little cheeks out and shows off her sweet little eyes. The shock of hair popping out of the top is pretty cute too.

I was going to post pictures, but they are all on my phone and I'm too lazy to go get it and plug it in right now, so it will just have to wait.

Until next time!

Latest and Greatest

This past weekend I realized how much of Little Bean's life I documented during her first couple of years. This also made me realize how much of my own life I documented, postpartum and otherwise. I often find myself needing to refer back to my blog to remember what events happened when. By not blogging lately, I have been doing Sweet Pea and I a major disservice. So on that note, let's get on with th latest and greatest.

Sweet Pea is officially going through the 4-month sleep regression, and it is hell. I'm not going to lie. The little girl will get so sleepy, she will start to cry... and cry... and cry. She gets herself so wound up, she can't go to sleep. Most of the time it doesn't matter what Hubs or I do. She gets herself into a little cycle and refuses her pacifier and all comfort that would have normally lulled her to sleep. In addition to this, she wakes up multiple times a night every night. I used to go in up to three times a night, sometimes staying in there for up to half an hour at a time, but the sleep deprivation has gotten so bad, I just can't do it anymore. Hubs handles sleep deprivation better than I do, and he seems to be able to get the baby back to sleep much better than I do, so he has been an absolute savior and gets up with her every night, sometimes 6-7 times a night and for as long as an hour and a half a night. Needless to say, we are both very tired  all of the time.

Besides the sleep regression, Sweet Pea is doing really well. She is rolling over from front to back. She is starting to giggle like crazy. Today she giggled every time I kissed her cheeks. Kissing her cheeks is no rarity. I often kiss her so much my lips are chapped. I can't kiss the baby enough.

Her baby sitter puts her in a walker during the day, and the other day, Sweet Pea walked across her front room to the window, and then sat there chatting to herself for half an hour. That night, Hubs and I went to the store and bought her a walker for home. She has already been enjoying the wonders of her Jumparoo, but a walker provides mobility! It is so hilarious to watch my 4.5-month-old walk across the room!

The only bummer news (besides the sleep regression) is Sweet Pea has plagiocephaly, which is basically when the baby's head is not symmetrical and has a flat spot. I have been working with her since she was 2-months-old, trying to get her head to round out, but it just won't. She has a giant flat spot on the back right of her head, and it is also pushing her head up. We took her to a cranial center after her last checkup, and sure enough, she needs a helmet. At first I was kind of upset. I don't want people staring at my baby. I wasn't going to tell anyone, and make sure we only took pictures when her helmet was off, or only take her out without her helmet. But I've gotten used to the idea, and I'm getting over caring if people stare or make comments. I would rather have them comment on her helmet than her noticeably flat head. I'm going to teach Little Bean how to tell people to stop staring. There's nothing like being put in your place by a 4-year-old!

As for me, well, I wish I could say I was doing awesome. This is another area of my life I thought I would keep secret, but I have decided to take the Brooke Shields approach. Just as I chose to be open about my infertility, I am going to choose to be open about my postpartum anxiety. Part of this is because I need to remember that this happened, just in case we do ever get pregnant again, I will know I went through this twice before and made it out just fine, so I can do it again.

Basically my biggest symptoms are feeling completely overwhelmed to the point on full-on panic attacks. Most days I don't care if the house is a giant mess. I would rather spend time enjoying my hard-won daughters. But every now and then, I start to freak out and everything has to be cleaned up NOW. Hubs has been amazing through all of this. I really could not have a better partner by my side. He has never once gotten upset or made me feel like he has been put out by any of this. He is so supportive and helps me out however he can, even if that is just to take the girls so I can take a nap.

Some days the sleep deprivation, combined with sensory overload from the anxiety, my body literally shuts down, and its like I'm a narcoleptic. I fall asleep no matter how hard I fight it. If I don't lay down, I won't have a choice. I remember this happening with Little Bean too.

One of the worst symptoms though is the memory loss. Some days I won't remember things that happened merely hours ago. My days run together sometimes. I forget a lot of things, and it is very bothersome. Some days I forget things only to forget I forgot them and remember later that I forgot them. Confusing, right? Tell me about it! I actually broke down yesterday and ordered a paper planner. I need to have things written down where I can see them.

Well, I need to end this post here. Hubs is waiting for me to snuggle with him and watch TV. After everything he has done for me, I can't deny him a little cuddle.

Long Overdue

Yes, I realize it has been over two months since I last posted. I think this is officially my longest blogging dry spell ever. I also realize this is probably the worst time to have a dry spell, but life just kind of got in the way, and blogging was the last thing on my mind. Since I last updated we have had all new windows put in our house, had a sprinkling system put in the yard, tore out a shower and ended up doing almost a full bathroom remodel, went back to work, and much, much more.

Over the last couple of months Sweet Pea has grown in leaps and bounds. She is rolling over, giggling, loves to stand up rather than sit, and going through the 4-month regression. She still loves to be swaddled and sleeps more soundly when she is wrapped up like a burrito. She has recently found the joy of the Jumperoo, which is one of the things I have been most looking forward to. One of the cutest things she has done so far was when she discovered her hands and looked at them endlessly for days.

Little Bean still LOVES being a big sister. It warms my heart when we pick up Sweet Pea from the babysitter and Little Bean yells her name, runs to her, and gives her hugs and kisses. She loves to hold Sweet Pea, even if Sweet Pea gets fussy. She is the best big sister ever.

Of course a million photos have been taken over the past couple months, and I will have to put together a little slide show, but until I do, here are a few good ones to wet your appetite.

2 Months Old

Sweet Pea is already two months old. She is starting to smile up a storm and talk to us. I absolutely love hearing that little baby voice. There are times I swear she is even trying to giggle. She is finally going from newborn lump to fun infant. This is what I have been looking forward to since I found out she was on her way back in September.

Her 2-month stats are: 10.14 lbs (40th percentile) and 21 inches (39th percentile).

 

Currently, Sweet Pea sleeps an average of 6 hours at night, waking up around 4:00 am to eat. The other night she almost made it to 5:00 am. I go back to work in 3 weeks, so I'm hoping she can stretch out to 6:00 by then.

The best part of having a baby is starting!

Birth Control? Not Necessary

My OB has asked both before and after Sweet Pea was born if we intended to go on birth control. Both times I laughed and told her it was not necessary. First, we are in the small percentage of the small percentage of people who are infertile. In other words, 1 in 8 couples is infertile; of the 1 in 8, very few fall into the category where both the male and female parties are considered infertile. Well, we fall in latter. To us, that means if we get pregnant again, well then God must really want us to have that baby, and who are we to say no.

There have been times I thought about getting an IUD because I honestly want to be done having babies for so many reasons:

1. My last pregnancy was very uncomfortable, and I was unable to eat for the last 3 months of it, and not due to morning sickness.
2. Childcare for three or more kids would be expensive to astronomical.
3. Traveling with three or more kids would be difficult both financially and logistically, and we all know that this family loves to travel.
4. Our house isn't big enough for more than two kids, and we have zero intention of moving. 
5. I'm getting too old for this sleep deprivation crap.
6. I'm just getting too old, period.

But as soon as I have thought about all of the above, my heart hurts a little. Its kind of a sad thought to think I am done having babies. Maybe because it makes me feel old to think we're done. Maybe because expecting a little bundle is so exciting. Maybe because my hormones still haven't finished re-regulating themselves after the birth of Sweet Pea. Maybe a combination of all of them. Whatever the reason, I always come back to the thought: If we get pregnant again, against major odds, then God must really want us to have them. I can't argue with that. 

I know that if we get another baby, we will consider it as much as miracle as we do Little Bean and Sweet Pea, and we will love it as much as we do them. A part of me even wants to tempt fate at times. You know, like in that 6 weeks postpartum where they tell you not to indulge because you are stupid fertile and will more than likely get pregnant again. Or even during this first 6 months postpartum when you are more fertile than normal. I kind of want another baby. But then I go back to asking myself why and revisit all of the "maybes".

At the end of the day, none of the above matters. If we get another baby, then we will be overjoyed that we overcame the odds that are so heavily stacked against us, and we will accept the baby with open arms. If we don't get any more babies, then we are just fine with that and travel the world with the two we already have. We're not going to try for more, but we're also not going to bother with trying to prevent. What will be, will be.

A Picture Post

I don't really have much to say about the last few weeks. Sweet Pea is such a wonderful baby. She hardly ever fusses, and when she does it is usually because she is tired, has gas, or is pooping. Outside of those things, she is such a sweet, content baby. She loves to just look around and be held. She is already holding her head up really well and has for a while now. I got my first smiles almost two weeks ago, the day before she turned 5 weeks old. Today she smiled at me while she was eating her bottle. I love the feeling of euphoria that goes through me when I see those smiles.

I am so in love with this baby, that the word love doesn't seem to cut it. She has already had a couple of 5-hour stretches between feedings at night, going from 10:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. During this time she sleeps so soundly that I sometimes can't fall asleep until I hear her make a noise.

I took her to get her newborn pictures earlier this week, and you can tell she is a mama's girl because she is almost smiling in all of the pictures where I'm holding her. So for my parents, here are pictures from Sweet Pea's first photo shoot.

And even though it is a little bit late, here is her 1-month picture.

Little Bean absolutely LOVES being a big sister. I have to keep a constant eye on her to make sure she doesn't try to hold the baby while Hubs and I aren't around. There have been a couple of occasions where she has tried. She constantly wants to hold, kiss, and hug the baby. I seriously could not be happier. Little Bean loves her sister the way I hoped she would.

Other exciting things happening right now are we are having new windows installed in our 20-year-old house today. We are really excited about that. Hopefully our AC units will run much less than 20 hours a day this summer. We have 20 windows in our house, and five of those are 6' x 9', so they are rather large. In addition to that fun, we booked a trip to Disney World for later this year. Yep, I'm feeling pretty spoiled, as always.

Life is really good right now, and I am soaking up every second.

3 Weeks In

It has been 3 weeks since Sweet Pea was born, and man has a lot happened in that time. I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I have been blessed with a seriously wonderful baby. She is so chill I can hardly believe it (knock on wood). I really hope she stays this way because as of right now, I don't think word "fussy" is in her vocabulary. *PLEASE STAY THAT WAY!*

Sleep deprivation has been as brutal as I remembered, but at least this time I am making serious efforts to sleep when I can. Not many people know this, but I suffered from PPD after the birth of Little Bean. It all started with the sleep deprivation, and then an unexplainable refusal to sleep that spiraled into PPD. I know that most of time when I cry these days it is more a result of sleep deprivation than baby blues. I just do not do well on small amounts of sleep, so only getting in 2-hour stretches when I'm lucky is really hard on me. The good news in that department is Sweet Pea has finally regained her birth weight, and we've had two nights with 4-hour stretches between feedings (including last night)! Hoorah!

As for feeding, well, breast feeding kicked my trash and I am officially out. All last week I was constantly battling clogged ducts. They were pure torture and I couldn't work them out myself. I had to have Hubs keep helping me get them out. As soon as we'd conquer one, I'd get another. It was non-stop for days until I finally begged Hubs to let me throw in the towel. I tried. I gave it my all. I bought a different pump, I rented a pump, I was constantly on the phone with my lactation consultant, but in the end, I lost. It took 36 hours, 8 heads of cabbage, and a tube of Cabo Cream to get me over the engorgement hump. It was an extremely unpleasant 36 hours. Luckily I have Hubs who is seriously amazing and supportive to help me get through it. He took over all of the feedings the first night, which was really sweet because it was a Thursday night and he had to work the next day. I wish I could say it is all done, but I have a few ducts that still refuse to give up. At least I can hold my baby to me without being in pain now.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to Hubs. He has been beyond this world incredible. I can't believe how much he has taken over and never once made a deal about it. He has taken on everything with such grace and love. There is no question in my mind that this man loves me and loves me dearly. Luckily his employer thinks as highly of him as I do, so they have let him work from home to help me out since the baby was born. So in addition to working his 40+ hours a week, he takes care of Little Bean almost 100%, he takes care of me as much as I need him to, and he helps out with the baby as much as I need him to. On top of that, he takes care of all of the other things that come up around the house. I don't know how he does it, and I can't believe how graciously he handles it. I feel like there is nothing I can do to show how much I appreciate everything he has taken on. Everything seems so small in comparison. The man definitely owns the title of Super Man. I am so incredibly blessed, and I know it. Most men wouldn't do half the stuff he has been, and most of the ones who would, would complain about it, but not my man.

Little Bean did well with everything for the first little while, but the last couple of days she has really been acting out. She's been doing all kinds of things she knows she isn't supposed to do, and some of them seem downright blatant. She loves the baby, there is no question, but she has taken advantage of the fact that I am spending so much time taking care of the baby and myself, and that Hubs is operating above capacity for a normal human being. I am honestly surprised our gerbils are still in their cage with as often as she's had their door open and been playing in their cage. Her acting out makes me feel like a horrible mother because we are constantly getting after her for one thing after another. All she wants is a little more attention. I sat with her at bedtime last night and just cried. I know it will get better, but man this is hard!

When Little Bean was born, I lamented the passing of every day. I hated how time was slipping through my fingers, which is part of the reason I refused to sleep. This time, I am glad for the passing of each day because it means we are closer to getting through the difficult parts of having a newborn, and closer to being able to fully enjoy my family while not being sleep deprived. Don't get me wrong, I love having my newborn, especially since we are done having babies. I just need to get to a point where I feel like I have my feet under me again. Thank heaven I have such an amazing husband to help me get there.

The Birth of a Miracle

Exactly one week ago today I gave birth to our second miracle. Because I was high risk, we had to deliver Sweet Pea at 37 weeks to prevent contractions. By the time the day rolled around, I was more than ready to be done with pregnancy and to finally hold my little miracle in my arms, the baby we had fought so hard and long for, and that I had been through so much to bring into this world.

My c-section was scheduled for 7:30 in the morning, so we had to be to the hospital by 6:00. I don't really remember what time they rolled me down to the OR, but I cried. I always cry when I'm being wheeled down to any surgery. I cried the whole time they were putting in my spinal, and I cried for sometime afterward. I think they started before Hubs was even in the room, or at least it felt like it. It seemed like it took forever before they actually get in there and got the baby. It felt like forever before I heard the sounds of them suctioning up amniotic fluid.

The first time I heard Sweet Pea cry, I just sobbed. I could not believe she was finally here. Here, safe and sound, pink and crying. Beautiful. Perfect. Wanted more than anything.

They held her up over the curtain for me to see, and it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
She came in at 6 lbs 11 oz and 19.25" long.

The baby was taken off to the nursery for her first bath with daddy in tow while I was cleaned up and sewn back together. I spent a bit of time in Labor and Delivery before being wheeled to my room to hold my sweet baby.

The rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I tried to sleep while Hubs worked and I waited for the spinal to wear off.

Sometime around 5:00, Hubs went home to get my parents and Little Bean. I had been waiting for months to introduce Little Bean to her sister, and the moment had finally arrived. She was so excited, and the moment could not have been more perfect. She fell in love instantly.

Little Bean was excited to come to the hospital every day to see the baby. She still hasn't grasped the concept of a newborn and the fact that they don't giggle when tickled, smile when you say "boo", or play with a toy set of keys, but she sure does love her little sister. She tells me every day how cute Sweet Pea is and that she loves her.

The best was when my mom was holding the baby in the hospital and Sweet Pea let out a little cry. Little Bean told grandma to be careful because Sweet Pea was her baby, not grandma's. I think these two will be very close as the years go on, just as I had hoped. If Little Bean is this excited about her sister now, just wait until the baby can play and giggle.

The past week has been easier to handle than the first couple with Little Bean. This time I knew what to expect and how to combat the baby blues. In addition, and as always, Hubs has been amazing. I cannot imagine trying to do this without such a supportive, loving partner. It is because of him that I am adjusting so well and tolerating sleep in 2-hour stretches. I hope and pray it continues this way, but I also know there will be days that are rougher than others, like the ones where Hubs will have to go into work and I'll be on my own all day. But I am thankful for the days he is here with me.

I am trying to breastfeed again, and just like last time, it is my Achilles heel. I swear I can do anything in this world except for that. At just 5 days old I had to go to pumping. I would like to get back to breastfeeding soon, and I have an awesome lactation consultant, much better than the one I had with Little Bean. I know she can help get me through this and get back to nursing my baby and not milking myself every 3 hours.

Recovery from the c-section is exactly as I expected, a cake-walk. Luckily I have a high pain tolerance for surgery and always recover quickly and easily.

The best part of recovery so far is that I am already only 4.5 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight! I only gained 17 during the pregnancy, so I knew I would come out ahead after I delivered. I don't remember the last time my legs were so tiny. I am rather relieved that unlike last time, I won't have that pesky 10 lbs hanging around months after the baby is born.

Tonight, I am a very happy mother of two. My family is finally complete, and my journey through infertility is done. A 7-year battle is finally over. All that is left now is to enjoy my little miracle babies with the most incredible husband and loving father in the world.  I am truly blessed, and I thank God every day for my family.

An Update for Mom

My mom called me the other day, concerned that I hadn't updated my blog in 3 weeks. I was surprised it had been that long, yet not at the same time. I've kind of been over blogging for a long time. As this pregnancy progresses, I find I want to focus more on family and less on singular activities, especially ones that take up hours of my time in one sitting. I'm sure I don't have to tell many of you out there how long it can take to write a post, and then how much time you spend reading and commenting on other blogs.

I haven't completely given up on blogging, because I like the way it has acted as a journal to building my family, but now I want to spend time with that family and building memories with them instead of writing about them from behind the keyboard. That being said, my posts will probably get fewer and farther in between.

The past three weeks have been crazy. We still don't have anything really set up for the baby yet, and for the most part, I don't worry about it. I know we have everything we need. Right now it is just a matter of getting things in place for the big day. We don't have a nursery and won't for a long time. We need to do some remodeling on our house first and we're still trying to find a contractor to do it. So the plan is that Sweet Pea will sleep with me until she and her room are ready for her to move into. As a result, we're finding ways to cope with not having a nursery. Her changing table will be in our bathroom. Her swing and bouncer downstairs. Things like that. We'll make it work, and I'm not stressing about it. Its true that you worry about these things less with the second baby. You already know everything will work out just fine.

Here is a belly picture from last week:

34 Weeks

I have only gained a pound in the last 2+ months and have only gained 17 lbs total with this pregnancy. I have to say it has been nice watching my problem fat areas slowly dissolving away. Don't worry about Sweet Pea though, she is getting everything she needs. At our growth scan a couple of weeks ago she was measuring a full week ahead in height. This baby continues to be a miracle in every respect.

The last few weeks of the pregnancy have been really difficult and uncomfortable. At my last appointment my doctor asked if I wanted to be put on bed rest. I asked to work part days from home instead. I don't want to use my maternity leave until my baby is in my arms. I will tough my way through all of the discomfort to ensure that happens unless there is a really good reason to go on bed rest. At this point, I think we're in the clear.

Working from home will only be difficult in that my temporary replacement starts tomorrow and I only have a couple of weeks to train him because we could not find talent in the area, so he will be working from a different state. Honestly, I want to have him trained by the end of the week so that I don't have to do much the second week. I don't know how well that will work, but that's the plan.

I had a few days this past week where I started to really think about the impact this baby is going to have on Little Bean and our relationship. She has put my fears at ease by constantly telling me how excited she is to be a big sister. She seems to be genuinely looking forward to it. This next week I will have her help me start getting things in place for the baby like getting the swing and bouncer put together.

Well, I think that's it for me. Time for some family time. Later!

90% Used, 70% Really Used

Tonight I climbed up in the attic to put together all of the boxes I need Hubs to bring down before the baby is born. Inside them are things like clothes, bibs, burp rags, etc. While moving some of the boxes, I began to hear a critter chatting at me. Fantastic. I called Hubs up just in case the critter came out, and it was then he pointed out all of the critter poop scattered around the attic. Fantastic. It isn't a big problem because most of the stuff I put up there was in plastic storage bins, but some of it is in plain old repurposed diaper cardboard boxes.

One thing that was not okay is the baby bath tub. That stupid critter actually got in and chewed the foam seat of the tub. I was a little bummed, and have decided to get rid of the tub. Luckily baby tubs are rather cheap.

As I said in my last post, there are a few things I am replacing from when Little Bean was a baby, and some things I am getting because I hated what we had last time. Easily 90% of the things this baby will use or wear is used. 70% of that is really used, as in it has been used for two of my sister's babies, and by Little Bean. Sweet Pea will be the 4th baby to use the baby carrier that I bought a new cover for. The carrier looks new because of the cover, but it is far from it. Sweet Pea will use Little Bean's crib, most of her clothes, except where they are not seasonally appropriate, and all of her old toys. Bottom line, where possible, we are reusing everything from 1-3 other babies.

In baby news, I was relieved to learn she is growing right on target when I had my monthly growth scan last Monday. This was a relief because I have not gained even 1 lb in the past 4 weeks, and as of today, make that 5 weeks. I am still up only 16.5 lbs. My doctor wants me to go see a specialist now because obviously the meds she gave me did not get my stomach working. It makes me a little sad because I really want to eat more than I do. I miss eating tasty food whenever I want. But I know anything I eat after breakfast will most likely still be hanging around by bedtime.

This past week I booked tickets for my parents to fly out when the baby is born. Everyone is pretty excited about that. My parents have only been able to see one of their grand children the day they were born, so I am enjoying the fact that this will be the second time.

In Little Bean news, we are officially completely out of diapers! She has been potty trained for over a year and a half and just been using nighttime diapers. But about a month ago, we even stopped the nighttime diapers. I've been waiting to announce this for fear of jinxing us, but I think it is now safe to celebrate. I haven't bought a box of diapers in months now! (Please refrain from commenting about how I will be back in diapers soon enough. I know.)

Other than that, life in our house goes on as normal. Thanks to daylight savings time (just another way the government robs us), it is almost time to get ready for bed, so I will be signing off now. Later!

Getting Ready

I've been getting asked a lot lately if I'm ready for the baby yet. I always laugh and say not the way the expect. Usually the people who ask are pregnant with their first, weeks behind me in their pregnancies, and as nervous as I was with Little Bean.Their nurseries are already complete, but for Sweet Pea, her room is not even yet started.

The reason she doesn't have a nursery yet is because we need to move some things around in this house, including walls, doors, and people. Even though we may only have a couple months until this little one comes home outside of the package, we will still have a couple months beyond that before she needs her own room. The bottom line, I'm not sweating the big stuff yet.

I am, however, getting ready for the baby in every other aspect. Clothes have been sorted and just need to be washed. The baby carrier is ready to go. Each week I buy something I need for the baby, whether it is for the nursery, clothes, or nursing. My focus lately has been nursing. While I didn't do well with this with Little Bean, I am determined to try again and just has hard as I did the first time. I got a new, different nursing pillow, new accessories, and am going to take a class (I didn't with Little Bean, and that was a huge mistake).

Little Bean and I went shopping for a diaper bag a few weeks ago, and because I am such a sucker, I got the bag Little Bean wanted, and not the one I thought we needed. Hubs laughs at me, and has finally talked me into taking the bag back and getting the one we need. When I do, I'll start buying some swaddle pods, wash cloths, and other small things to get us farther on our way.

One of my best friends is throwing me a baby shower and she already got me a new bassinet that is amazingly versatile and I am very excited for. If that is the only thing we get from the shower, it will be enough, since this is our second. Even though it is our second, I know from the first what I did and did not like, and what did and didn't work. Plus you always have to buy some things new.

Here are a few things I have so far:

I am really looking forward to working on the nursery. The blanket is part of the theme I'm going with, and I have some pretty grand ideas. Until we can get structural engineers and contractors out here, that will just have to wait though.

One other way I am trying to get ready is for the changes this baby will bring to Little Bean's life. Sure she thinks she's excited, but she has no idea how her life is about to change. Right now she is my little buddy. We snuggle a lot and spend a lot of time together. When she sleeps with me, we fall asleep holding hands. As much as I wish that wouldn't change once the baby is here, it will. I'll make every effort to still do those things with her AND the baby, but we all know how well our hopes and dreams can turn out. (If anyone has ideas on how to prepare an only-child for a sibling, I'm all ears!)

A few years back, when Little Bean was still a baby, I bought this doll:

It was originally intended as a gift for someone else, but then I decided to hang onto it for the day when Little Bean became a big sister. I can't believe how long it has been hidden in my closet, and I am ecstatic that it will finally get loved the way I dreamed. I am going to buy it the same baby gear the new baby will have, so Little Bean can be just like mama.

Little Bean wants to name the baby Disney Princess Marie, so hopefully she will use that name for her new baby, and not feel so bad it won't be her sister's name.

Honestly, I would love to get Little Bean a real, live bunny, but I will have my hands full enough with the new baby on top of all the pets we already have, so the bunny will have to wait.

So, am  I ready for the baby? Pretty much, yes. I am definitely not worried about our state of readiness.