As I was driving back to work after having my blood drawn for a pregnancy test, I asked myself why taking pregnancy tests made me so nervous, why they sent me into panic attacks, and why they always made me feel like I was about to vomit. My answer was huge and somewhat overwhelming.
The amount of feelings and emotions that build up to that moment is huge. There is so much riding on the second you get the result. For the past month you have done everything you could to make possible that one little word that will change your life forever. You have put so much of your time, energy, and life into making it so.
You ate right, you avoided foods and drinks you knew could hurt your chances, maybe you even exercised in the quest for baby.
If you had to use ART (Advanced Reproductive Technologies), you saw your doctor multiple times in the past month for follicle and lining checks. Each one of those their own mini dam of emotion.
"Is my lining thick enough?" Yes. Victory!
"Do I have follicles?" Yes. Victory!
"Are the follicles I have good? Does it look like they will be good ones?" Yes. Victory!
Sometimes one of the above comes back a no, and you leave feeling deflated, wondering if the cycle is even going to work. If it comes back a no, what is your next step? Can you fix it in time? Meds, meds, meds.
Then you enter into methods of procreation, be it timed intercourse or your spouse making donations for IUI or IVF. No matter which path you take, you always wonder if you did enough. Was Hubby's sperm good? Did he have enough good swimmers? Should I have gotten after him for sitting with his laptop in his lap the other night? Should I buy him different underwear to help his counts? What is he eating/drinking when I'm not around that might lower his counts? Did we have intercourse enough? And then you start analyzing his donations. "Did enough get put in there to make it work this month? Maybe we should try to do it again 5 more times, just to be sure."
Then it is back to worrying about you again, "Did I lay there long enough afterward? Were my hips elevated enough? Should I have laid there longer?" What if you get sick, do you dare take meds? What if you need antibiotics? Will that hurt your chances?
During the Two Week Wait, you protect your belly like it was very fragile and easily breakable. Then your toddler jumps on you and thrusts her elbow into your abdomen. Did she just abort your potential baby?
Of course during the Two Week Wait the news is filled with stories of people who abuse their children. Who beat them to death, who starve them to death in a backyard shed, who do drugs around their kids, who abandon them, who are pregnant with their 16th kid and have no idea where kids 1-6 are, even though they are under the age of 12. People who should not have children are having them and not loving them or taking care of them while here you are struggling, praying, agonizing over having a baby to call your own. Why can these people have kids when they don't want them and won't care for them, when all you want is to build your family, love your children, and bring them up right. Why are children sent to homes where they are not loved, and not given to people who would love nothing more?
So your anger builds. And you question God. You tell your friends that you and God are going to have a talk one day, but that no matter what His reason, He will NEVER make this make sense to you. You don't understand it, and you never will. Why has He put these desires there and then not fulfilled? Why do you have to ache so much for something He will not deliver?
You then start paying attention to every little thing that happens with your body that feels like it could be a pregnancy symptom. You felt a twitch in your abdomen. Was that a baby implanting? Please, oh please let it be. Let this difficult journey be over. Let it be my turn. After eating breakfast, you feel slightly nauseated. Is it possible morning sickness? You try to play off all these "symptoms." Try to keep your feet on the ground. It could be the meds you are on, like the estrogen or progesterone. It is probably nothing... but you hope that it is something.
During these two weeks you go back and forth between hope and despair, "I might be pregnant." Five minutes later, "I'm not. I just know I'm not. I want to cry."
Then finally, it is The Day. The one where you have to take that pregnancy test. Every single feeling you have felt in the past month comes rushing to the dam gates, just waiting to be opened upon hearing the verdict. Will it be good, is this aching finally over? Or will it be news that you are in for another month in the trenches? Even if it is good, the fight isn't over. You've just overcome the first hurdle. But you can't think about that now. Let's just get the good news first.
Either you pee on a stick, or you wait for that phone call. Regardless of how you are waiting for the results, you can't breathe. Your stomach does flips and flops. Are you? Aren't you? Please, please God, tell me I am.
Negative.
The dam gates are open and all of those feelings and emotions come spilling out, pooling up here and there in anticipation of being collected again over the next month. You're angry. You're bitter. You want to cry. You want to go home and be alone. You don't understand. You question your body's ability. Why didn't it work? What are you doing wrong? You've been at this for years. What do you have to do to make it work? As you battle this, people's snarky remarks enter your head, "Infertile people should just get the hint. They should just adopt; there are so many children in this world who need loving homes." You just want to start taking swings at people.
It takes you a couple of days of wallowing, and then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and prepare for another month in the trenches. You go see your RE and revise your battle plan. Hoping and praying that this month, this time, it will work.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Trick-or-Treat 'Till You Drop
We have spent the last four days dressing up, partying, and trick-or-treating. Friday was the Halloween party at my work. All of my teammates and I donned mullets and our best Red Neck gear. We had business in the front (our cubicles) and a party in the back (a BBQ behind the building). I do have pictures of me wearing my best mullet, but they are still on my phone so you won't be graced with them here. At the end of our Halloween festivities at the office, we had trick-or-treating for the kids. Let me tell you, I never realize just how much Baby Bean's hands can grab until it comes to candy. I think she can grab more than me!
That night was also my husband's work Halloween party. He works for the corporate headquarters of a major amusement park, so we couldn't pass up their party. They had a pavilion for their party and provided dinner, complete with hot chocolate and theme park characters. Let us not forget, they also had free face painting! Oh, and a goody bag with a stuffed animal and seven full-sized candy bars.
 |
| A very tired Baby Bean |
Saturday morning I went with one of my besties an her three boys to our local pumpkin patch where the kids got to ride ponies, barrels and hay rides as well as play in bounce houses.
 |
| Baby Bean on a sweet pony |
 |
| Barrel rides rock! |
The moment you have all been waiting for, BB in her Halloween costume!
 |
| Mini Mouseketeer |
 |
| Fat Egyptian with funky hair and a psycho murderer |
And remember my other bestie (I have four besties, okay?) who takes BB's pictures? Well, this was her costume.
 |
| Black Bird and Fat Egyptian |
Tonight I took BB out trick-or-treating and had some of the most precious moments of my life. About half way through BB looked up at me and said, "Thank you for taking me trick-or-treating mom." How precious is that?! Then she kissed my hand and said, "I love you mom." I wanted to melt into a puddle of mom. SO WORTH EVERYTHING! Oh my gosh I love my baby girl.
And a few more pictures because I can't help myself. This next one is the first time I curled BB's hair. I did it for family pictures that my above pictured bestie took yesterday (those pictures coming later).
 |
| Curly, GORGEOUS hair |
And finally, BB wore her school uniform for the first time today. I know lots of you have been itching to see her in her uniform, so here you go.
 |
| The first day in a uniform |
Happy Halloween y'all!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Predictable Unperdictability
I took my husband with me to see Dr D yesterday so that we could map out a plan WITH him, as opposed to me walking in his office and trying to tell him how it was going to be. Even though I've been through the IF ringer for years, I still don't know as much about this game as he does, so at the end of the day, I have to defer to his judgement and expertise.
Yesterday was another predictable unpredictable cycle. I was on CD11 and already in the process of ovulating. Yeah, holy cow. I usually don't ovulate until CD19, so I was 8 days ahead. The earliest I have ovulated before yesterday was CD13, and that only happened once. The bummer was the follie that was going was the not-so-good one. But the good news was the good one was 21mm and ready to go. Dr D triggered me to get the good one to go too, and told Hubs and I to "go home and get busy." Even though I didn't plan on it, we ended up having another triggered cycle (my butt still hurts from the shot).
We then talked about the success of medicated versus natural cycles. Obviously I was upset about the one good follie from this cycle, versus many follies. I asked if getting one follie on letrozole was better than one follie on my own, and he said yes. That doing the meds increases the chances of pregnancy. I asked him why I had to do injectibles when I produced 5 good follies (with the potential of 3 more) on chlomid, and he said the injectibles make the cycle more likely to be successful. I don't know if it is because it makes the eggs better quality or the lining stickier or what. I do know I have to go in next Tues for a progesterone shot because he says it will make the lining stickier. Then I start the progesterone supplements that day until I can take a pg test 14 days from yesterday.
Knowing that the younger the eggs the better your chances are, I guess I can see how letrozole making me ovulate on CD11 versus CD19 would be better. And of course the progesterone is supposed to make the lining nice and sticky for potential embies, and with my situation, I need all the sticky help I can get.
We then talked over our battle plan and here is what we all three decided on:
I haven't asked this before, but everyone cross your fingers and say a little prayer for us this month. I am really hoping it works out for us and I can be done because I'm pregnant, not because it was time to give up.
Yesterday was another predictable unpredictable cycle. I was on CD11 and already in the process of ovulating. Yeah, holy cow. I usually don't ovulate until CD19, so I was 8 days ahead. The earliest I have ovulated before yesterday was CD13, and that only happened once. The bummer was the follie that was going was the not-so-good one. But the good news was the good one was 21mm and ready to go. Dr D triggered me to get the good one to go too, and told Hubs and I to "go home and get busy." Even though I didn't plan on it, we ended up having another triggered cycle (my butt still hurts from the shot).
We then talked about the success of medicated versus natural cycles. Obviously I was upset about the one good follie from this cycle, versus many follies. I asked if getting one follie on letrozole was better than one follie on my own, and he said yes. That doing the meds increases the chances of pregnancy. I asked him why I had to do injectibles when I produced 5 good follies (with the potential of 3 more) on chlomid, and he said the injectibles make the cycle more likely to be successful. I don't know if it is because it makes the eggs better quality or the lining stickier or what. I do know I have to go in next Tues for a progesterone shot because he says it will make the lining stickier. Then I start the progesterone supplements that day until I can take a pg test 14 days from yesterday.
Knowing that the younger the eggs the better your chances are, I guess I can see how letrozole making me ovulate on CD11 versus CD19 would be better. And of course the progesterone is supposed to make the lining nice and sticky for potential embies, and with my situation, I need all the sticky help I can get.
We then talked over our battle plan and here is what we all three decided on:
- Hubs is going to do the SA in the next week.
- I will do a hysteroscopy in January.
- If we decide that Hubs is part of the problem, we will do IUIs next Feb/March.
- If Hubs isn't part of the problem, we will try on our own after surgery.
- We MIGHT do another letrozole cycle next month if this one doesn't work, depending on where the days land around TG. Obviously cycling around holidays gets complicated.
I haven't asked this before, but everyone cross your fingers and say a little prayer for us this month. I am really hoping it works out for us and I can be done because I'm pregnant, not because it was time to give up.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
MISSION: ABORTED
I went to see Dr D yesterday and once again left with my ears and tail drooping. This cycle is a SNAFU. I am so upset. Sometimes I think Dr D forgets what he is doing with each of his patients and why, which is completely understandable. I mean the guy is the best in the area, and he sees lots of patients. But I wish he would read his notes before coming into appointments just to refresh himself on what we're doing with my cycle and why.
My plan for this to be our last medicated cycle has been tossed out the window, as has the IUI.
So Dr D told me last week that letrozol worked just like chlomid and that I would produce multiple follies without all of the side effects, so I went ahead with it, expecting chlomid-like results. In my sono yesterday Dr D was all excited because I had one follicle. WHAT?! I make one follicle on my own just fine every month. I think he forgot that bit. We are doing chlomid/letrozol to INCREASE the number of follies and our chances of pregnancy.
Then he told me I was lucky and was ahead of the curve because I actually had two. Wait, WHAT?! Then he told me that one of them didn't look so good, and of course it was the bigger one, so he's hoping that the better, smaller one pulls ahead and ends up being the one to release.
WHAT?!
I am going through another medicated cycle that just got tossed out the window, and I'm pissed!
When I told him about our desire to do IUI, he told me that would have to wait until next cycle because he would want to do injectibles to give us our best opportunity, which I don't understand because I had 8 follies last month. Why do I need to boost my follicle count further with injectibles? Regardless, with one egg this month, IUI is out of the question.
Dr D offered to get us free meds to do injectibles and to eat the fees associated with a medicated cycle, which is great. Except I draw the line at injectibles. Have all along. At first I told him sure, but then I told him I wanted to talk to my husband first because I am not so keen on the idea myself.
Hubs and I had a talk over IM as soon as I got to work and we have decided to pull the plug on this cycle (like we have a choice). I told him I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to cycle past this year, and that I wanted this cycle to be our last because I didn't want to cycle over the holidays and be a crazy hormonal wacked out B****. Hubs was able to talk me down from going postal (thank you letrozole... for nothing), and said that we would take the rest of this year off to make whatever changes we needed to and get whatever tests/surgeries we need out of the way and then try again next Feb/March.
I feel so defeated. I wanted this to be the end, but now I'm looking at another 5-6 months of this crap. I don't want to do the surgery until next year so that I can meet my max out of pocket for the year in Jan, and also pay for all of it with my flex-spending. But I didn't want to do any more medicated cycles. If Hubs' SA comes back below normal (which he has finally conceded to doing because I REFUSE to do IUI with injectibles if he isn't part of the problem), we'll end up doing IUIs, which means crazy wacked out Elle next year.
I have another appt with Dr D in the morning and Hubs is going to go with me so that we can map out our new plan WITH Dr D, instead of my presenting him with our ideal every time I go in. Then he can tell us what we need to do, and we can get everything scheduled.
Every time something like this happens, I often think of the line, "The best laid plans of mice and men...." I resigned myself long ago to the fact that circumstances change plans and we just have to deal with it. *sigh*
My plan for this to be our last medicated cycle has been tossed out the window, as has the IUI.
So Dr D told me last week that letrozol worked just like chlomid and that I would produce multiple follies without all of the side effects, so I went ahead with it, expecting chlomid-like results. In my sono yesterday Dr D was all excited because I had one follicle. WHAT?! I make one follicle on my own just fine every month. I think he forgot that bit. We are doing chlomid/letrozol to INCREASE the number of follies and our chances of pregnancy.
Then he told me I was lucky and was ahead of the curve because I actually had two. Wait, WHAT?! Then he told me that one of them didn't look so good, and of course it was the bigger one, so he's hoping that the better, smaller one pulls ahead and ends up being the one to release.
WHAT?!
I am going through another medicated cycle that just got tossed out the window, and I'm pissed!
When I told him about our desire to do IUI, he told me that would have to wait until next cycle because he would want to do injectibles to give us our best opportunity, which I don't understand because I had 8 follies last month. Why do I need to boost my follicle count further with injectibles? Regardless, with one egg this month, IUI is out of the question.
Dr D offered to get us free meds to do injectibles and to eat the fees associated with a medicated cycle, which is great. Except I draw the line at injectibles. Have all along. At first I told him sure, but then I told him I wanted to talk to my husband first because I am not so keen on the idea myself.
Hubs and I had a talk over IM as soon as I got to work and we have decided to pull the plug on this cycle (like we have a choice). I told him I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to cycle past this year, and that I wanted this cycle to be our last because I didn't want to cycle over the holidays and be a crazy hormonal wacked out B****. Hubs was able to talk me down from going postal (thank you letrozole... for nothing), and said that we would take the rest of this year off to make whatever changes we needed to and get whatever tests/surgeries we need out of the way and then try again next Feb/March.
I feel so defeated. I wanted this to be the end, but now I'm looking at another 5-6 months of this crap. I don't want to do the surgery until next year so that I can meet my max out of pocket for the year in Jan, and also pay for all of it with my flex-spending. But I didn't want to do any more medicated cycles. If Hubs' SA comes back below normal (which he has finally conceded to doing because I REFUSE to do IUI with injectibles if he isn't part of the problem), we'll end up doing IUIs, which means crazy wacked out Elle next year.
I have another appt with Dr D in the morning and Hubs is going to go with me so that we can map out our new plan WITH Dr D, instead of my presenting him with our ideal every time I go in. Then he can tell us what we need to do, and we can get everything scheduled.
Every time something like this happens, I often think of the line, "The best laid plans of mice and men...." I resigned myself long ago to the fact that circumstances change plans and we just have to deal with it. *sigh*
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Hail Mary Pass/Guns a'Blazin'
I give up on not posting about cycling on this blog because things keep getting more and more interesting around here. Plans keep changing and forks keep getting thrown in the road. The overall plan hasn't changed, just the steps taken before the finale have changed.
I went to see Dr. D on CD2 last week. As I was driving there I wanted to cry. One more medicated cycle. If that doesn't work, surgery, and then we're done. The end. Since May I have been looking forward to being done with all of this, and that hasn't changed, but I wasn't prepared for how bad I would feel to actually walk away. It is always easier to think about things that won't happen for a while than it is to face them when the time comes. I can think about taking pregnancy tests in the future, but when it comes time to take one, I freak out. Even if I give myself 24 hours notice, I panic.
Anyway, so I was driving to the clinic and starting to feel really sad that this was actually it. It was kind of depressing. Dr. D came into the room and asked how I was doing. I told him I was really discouraged because this was the end for us. We talked about why and how we thought the last cycle didn't work, and we agreed it was because I had to miss the crucial window.
Dr. D then asked me how I felt about letrozole. I had never heard of it. He told me that he normally uses it for PCOS patients who don't respond to chlomid. While I respond well to chlomid, it depletes my lining, and then I have to do estrogen to beef it up. He told me letrozole does the exact same thing as chlomid, in that it produces multiple follicles, only it doesn't have the same side effects. Unlike chlomid, there are no set amount of cycles you can do before it starts hurting your chances either. Apparently it is normally used for breast cancer patients and is not approved by the FDA for reproductive purposes, but it has been used this way as early as 2001. Dr. D told me he has been using it since 2003 and gets 25-30 pregnancies a year from it. I talked to Hubs about it, and he said go for it.
I had also requested that Hubs undergo an analysis just to make 100% certain he is not part of the problem. When I explained why I wanted it done, Dr. D agreed it is worth looking at. Well, apparently my husband would rather go straight to an IUI than have an analysis done, so that is what we're looking at now. He said he would rather make one donation, have it spun down, washed, super charged, and put right where it needs to be, especially because they can bypass volatile grounds.
I asked my husband if he was sure, because IUIs aren't cheap, and he said the way he saw it, this is our last medicated cycle. We might as well go out with guns a'blazin'. Our true and final Hail Mary Pass.
Yes, this will be our final medicated cycle. I remember now why I didn't want to do medicated cycles. I am so ornery even I don't want to be around myself. The letrozole has given me monster headaches and taken my patience level to almost nothing. This is EXACTLY why I didn't want to do medicated cycles ever again. I can't count the number of times I have had to apologize to Hubs and Baby Bean in the last couple weeks. Tonight I put BB to bed and told her I was sorry I was so cranky lately. The sweet little doll reached over and hugged and kissed me. Then she put her hand on my face and rubbed my cheek and told me she loved me. My 2.5 year old did that!
It is funny to me how many people are excited we are doing an IUI. Almost everyone I tell treats like I just told them I was pregnant. "Yay! That is so exciting!" Really? Cause I want to vomit I'm so nervous and scared. I'm not excited. Its a lot of money, and what if it doesn't work? This is it for us. I have a hard time being giddy about that.
So that is where we are right now. I'm cranky as hell and scared. But I try to distract myself with Christmas shopping for Baby Bean, and that has worked wonders. This little girl is going to have an awesome Christmas.
I went to see Dr. D on CD2 last week. As I was driving there I wanted to cry. One more medicated cycle. If that doesn't work, surgery, and then we're done. The end. Since May I have been looking forward to being done with all of this, and that hasn't changed, but I wasn't prepared for how bad I would feel to actually walk away. It is always easier to think about things that won't happen for a while than it is to face them when the time comes. I can think about taking pregnancy tests in the future, but when it comes time to take one, I freak out. Even if I give myself 24 hours notice, I panic.
Anyway, so I was driving to the clinic and starting to feel really sad that this was actually it. It was kind of depressing. Dr. D came into the room and asked how I was doing. I told him I was really discouraged because this was the end for us. We talked about why and how we thought the last cycle didn't work, and we agreed it was because I had to miss the crucial window.
Dr. D then asked me how I felt about letrozole. I had never heard of it. He told me that he normally uses it for PCOS patients who don't respond to chlomid. While I respond well to chlomid, it depletes my lining, and then I have to do estrogen to beef it up. He told me letrozole does the exact same thing as chlomid, in that it produces multiple follicles, only it doesn't have the same side effects. Unlike chlomid, there are no set amount of cycles you can do before it starts hurting your chances either. Apparently it is normally used for breast cancer patients and is not approved by the FDA for reproductive purposes, but it has been used this way as early as 2001. Dr. D told me he has been using it since 2003 and gets 25-30 pregnancies a year from it. I talked to Hubs about it, and he said go for it.
I had also requested that Hubs undergo an analysis just to make 100% certain he is not part of the problem. When I explained why I wanted it done, Dr. D agreed it is worth looking at. Well, apparently my husband would rather go straight to an IUI than have an analysis done, so that is what we're looking at now. He said he would rather make one donation, have it spun down, washed, super charged, and put right where it needs to be, especially because they can bypass volatile grounds.
I asked my husband if he was sure, because IUIs aren't cheap, and he said the way he saw it, this is our last medicated cycle. We might as well go out with guns a'blazin'. Our true and final Hail Mary Pass.
Yes, this will be our final medicated cycle. I remember now why I didn't want to do medicated cycles. I am so ornery even I don't want to be around myself. The letrozole has given me monster headaches and taken my patience level to almost nothing. This is EXACTLY why I didn't want to do medicated cycles ever again. I can't count the number of times I have had to apologize to Hubs and Baby Bean in the last couple weeks. Tonight I put BB to bed and told her I was sorry I was so cranky lately. The sweet little doll reached over and hugged and kissed me. Then she put her hand on my face and rubbed my cheek and told me she loved me. My 2.5 year old did that!
It is funny to me how many people are excited we are doing an IUI. Almost everyone I tell treats like I just told them I was pregnant. "Yay! That is so exciting!" Really? Cause I want to vomit I'm so nervous and scared. I'm not excited. Its a lot of money, and what if it doesn't work? This is it for us. I have a hard time being giddy about that.
So that is where we are right now. I'm cranky as hell and scared. But I try to distract myself with Christmas shopping for Baby Bean, and that has worked wonders. This little girl is going to have an awesome Christmas.
Monday, October 17, 2011
All About Baby Bean
This past weekend was pretty good. I spent a couple of hours yesterday cleaning Baby Bean's room, organizing her clothes, pulling out her fall wardrobe lineup so I could take stock of what we had and what I needed to buy for chillier temps, packing away the stuff that didn't fit anymore, and cleaning her closet.
I have also come to the determination we no longer need her changing table for its intended purpose. Why? Because the girl is potty trained!!! She no longer even wears pull-ups at nap time. She wears night time diapers at night still, but that's it. Its funny because my whole life I thought I would cry when my babies outgrew diapers, but I am amazingly happy about it. The only downside is Baby Bean always seems to have to go potty just as dinner comes every time we eat out. That and I hate public loos. But we do what we have to do.
Baby Bean is also very opinionated. The hardest part about that is she can never make up her mind. It is a battle dressing her daily because she never wants to wear anything you pull out. Clothing and shoe shopping are just as fun. "Do you like this one?" "No, put it back." About a month ago I took her to Tar.get and found these little tutu-like skirts. I asked her if she liked them, and she took them from me and threw them in the back of the cart. I laughed and said I guessed we were buying those. I went and bought her shoes this weekend without taking her because she would poo poo every shoe I asked her if she liked. Instead I bought the shoes I liked and that best fit her wardrobe, and then took them home and told her I had a surprise. That worked! She thought the shoes were a present, and so she liked them.
Baby Bean also learned how to ride her D.ora Big Wh.eels. Up until about a week ago, she couldn't figure out how to use the pedals. She has definitely got it down now. Her daddy and I took her to the park twice yesterday, and she rode her bike the whole way there and back. We had such a good time. We took Sadie with us and let her walk off-leash the whole time. She would keep an eye on Baby Bean when she would get too far ahead, and also keep an eye on me when I got too far behind. She then stood sentinel at the park.
Another milestone is about to be hit in Baby Bean's education. She goes to a Montessori school, and her teachers tell me she is bored in her current classroom. Now that she is potty trained, she can transition to the next room. In her current room she gets to wear whatever she wants every day. In the next room she will have to wear a plaid jumper uniform. I still have to buy all of the uniforms, but I will worry about that once she is fully transitioned, which should take a week or two. For now she spends an hour or so in the next room every day until she builds up to being in that room full time. Her teachers are always telling me what a bright little girl she is. I have to admit, I'm proud. So is her dad.
As for her recent baby prediction, she straight up told me one day last week on our way home from work/school that I was going to have another baby. That is when it hit me that one of the mothers of the other kids in her classroom must be pregnant. My husband confirmed as much that night. It sure would have been fun if she had been making a prediction though!
The past few months I have been working even harder to make every minute with her count. I realize I might not have any more children, so it is even more important to be present in the moment with Baby Bean than ever. I might never have another 2-year-old, so I need to completely soak up these moments and not take any of it for granted. My little girl notices. She is totally a mama's girl. :D
I have also come to the determination we no longer need her changing table for its intended purpose. Why? Because the girl is potty trained!!! She no longer even wears pull-ups at nap time. She wears night time diapers at night still, but that's it. Its funny because my whole life I thought I would cry when my babies outgrew diapers, but I am amazingly happy about it. The only downside is Baby Bean always seems to have to go potty just as dinner comes every time we eat out. That and I hate public loos. But we do what we have to do.
Baby Bean is also very opinionated. The hardest part about that is she can never make up her mind. It is a battle dressing her daily because she never wants to wear anything you pull out. Clothing and shoe shopping are just as fun. "Do you like this one?" "No, put it back." About a month ago I took her to Tar.get and found these little tutu-like skirts. I asked her if she liked them, and she took them from me and threw them in the back of the cart. I laughed and said I guessed we were buying those. I went and bought her shoes this weekend without taking her because she would poo poo every shoe I asked her if she liked. Instead I bought the shoes I liked and that best fit her wardrobe, and then took them home and told her I had a surprise. That worked! She thought the shoes were a present, and so she liked them.
Baby Bean also learned how to ride her D.ora Big Wh.eels. Up until about a week ago, she couldn't figure out how to use the pedals. She has definitely got it down now. Her daddy and I took her to the park twice yesterday, and she rode her bike the whole way there and back. We had such a good time. We took Sadie with us and let her walk off-leash the whole time. She would keep an eye on Baby Bean when she would get too far ahead, and also keep an eye on me when I got too far behind. She then stood sentinel at the park.
Another milestone is about to be hit in Baby Bean's education. She goes to a Montessori school, and her teachers tell me she is bored in her current classroom. Now that she is potty trained, she can transition to the next room. In her current room she gets to wear whatever she wants every day. In the next room she will have to wear a plaid jumper uniform. I still have to buy all of the uniforms, but I will worry about that once she is fully transitioned, which should take a week or two. For now she spends an hour or so in the next room every day until she builds up to being in that room full time. Her teachers are always telling me what a bright little girl she is. I have to admit, I'm proud. So is her dad.
As for her recent baby prediction, she straight up told me one day last week on our way home from work/school that I was going to have another baby. That is when it hit me that one of the mothers of the other kids in her classroom must be pregnant. My husband confirmed as much that night. It sure would have been fun if she had been making a prediction though!
The past few months I have been working even harder to make every minute with her count. I realize I might not have any more children, so it is even more important to be present in the moment with Baby Bean than ever. I might never have another 2-year-old, so I need to completely soak up these moments and not take any of it for granted. My little girl notices. She is totally a mama's girl. :D
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Perfect Means Nothing
I just finished the perfect cycle. Five follies ready to go with the potential of two more. Perfect lining. Perfect everything. Dr. D was so scared we would end up with triplets. He wanted to cancel the cycle. I told him it was our Hail Mary Pass. If we didn't get pregnant off this cycle, I never would. It doesn't get any more perfect than this cycle.
I'm not pregnant.
I don't think I'm handling it well either. In fact, I'm stuck at work, crying at my desk wondering what the hell I do now. Do I try another cycle, or do I go straight for surgery? Maybe this cycle didn't work because there were reasons we missed the last day of our fertile window. It sucked. It sucked a lot. But there wasn't anything that could be done about it. I knew my chances of getting pregnant had dropped dramatically. But that Hope is a real B.
This past week has been brutal and full of Dr. Google. The estrogen patches delay AF for me. Progesterone delays AF. The two give you full on pre-pregnancy symptoms. All week I've been telling myself none of my symptoms mean anything. That I couldn't count on any of them. All week I've been dreading taking the test, but knowing I HAD to take it because it was the only way to know what my next step was. If neg, stop all meds and wait for AF.
The thought of testing throws me into full-on panic attacks. They make me feel the way I do after I have a near miss. My heart rate accelerates, my adrenaline pumps, my muscles tighten and I can feel the lactic acid moving through them, my ears ring, and my pupils dilate. All of that happens at the THOUGHT of taking a test.
I hate that a whole cycle hinges on that moment. A whole month's worth of hoping despite the fact that you know you shouldn't. Its all fine and dandy to think you will be fine if it is neg, but it is completely another to have that stark white test laughing in your face.
My husband flipped a coin in regards to what our next step is. It came back tails: surgery. He said the way he saw it, we were basically flipping a coin either way. Yeah maybe it didn't work because we missed that last day. But maybe it didn't work because there is something going on that is preventing. So maybe I have the surgery and the problem is fixed. And maybe I have the surgery and still can't get pregnant. Its all a coin toss to him.
Either way, I have two cycles left until we are done. Two more cycles, and we are out of the game forever. And I am going to have to fight my doctor for the dose I want for those cycles. He wants to take me from 100mg of chlomid that gave us 5-7 follies, and put me back at 75mg. All the while telling me that I may not respond to the 75, and telling me that I may end up mad at him. Dr. D, I'm only doing this twice more. Please don't screw me over and not stimulate me enough again. I've already lost one cycle to understimulation.
I've tried to call Dr. D's office to get an appt next Tuesday, but the nurses keep calling my appointment a consult, as opposed to needing to be checked over. And because it is considered a consult, he has no openings for the day I need to get in. They don't understand what I'm asking. They don't seem to get that time is of the essence. I will call Dr D's cell phone if I can't get an appt next Tuesday. I will call him over the weekend and plead my case with him. I tried to take the proper channels and pay the copay, but his nurses are being stupid.
I can't wait to be done with this crap. I can't wait to have it all behind me for good. I am so glad I have my battle plan, and I am sticking to it. I am months away from being done.
I'm not pregnant.
I don't think I'm handling it well either. In fact, I'm stuck at work, crying at my desk wondering what the hell I do now. Do I try another cycle, or do I go straight for surgery? Maybe this cycle didn't work because there were reasons we missed the last day of our fertile window. It sucked. It sucked a lot. But there wasn't anything that could be done about it. I knew my chances of getting pregnant had dropped dramatically. But that Hope is a real B.
This past week has been brutal and full of Dr. Google. The estrogen patches delay AF for me. Progesterone delays AF. The two give you full on pre-pregnancy symptoms. All week I've been telling myself none of my symptoms mean anything. That I couldn't count on any of them. All week I've been dreading taking the test, but knowing I HAD to take it because it was the only way to know what my next step was. If neg, stop all meds and wait for AF.
The thought of testing throws me into full-on panic attacks. They make me feel the way I do after I have a near miss. My heart rate accelerates, my adrenaline pumps, my muscles tighten and I can feel the lactic acid moving through them, my ears ring, and my pupils dilate. All of that happens at the THOUGHT of taking a test.
I hate that a whole cycle hinges on that moment. A whole month's worth of hoping despite the fact that you know you shouldn't. Its all fine and dandy to think you will be fine if it is neg, but it is completely another to have that stark white test laughing in your face.
My husband flipped a coin in regards to what our next step is. It came back tails: surgery. He said the way he saw it, we were basically flipping a coin either way. Yeah maybe it didn't work because we missed that last day. But maybe it didn't work because there is something going on that is preventing. So maybe I have the surgery and the problem is fixed. And maybe I have the surgery and still can't get pregnant. Its all a coin toss to him.
Either way, I have two cycles left until we are done. Two more cycles, and we are out of the game forever. And I am going to have to fight my doctor for the dose I want for those cycles. He wants to take me from 100mg of chlomid that gave us 5-7 follies, and put me back at 75mg. All the while telling me that I may not respond to the 75, and telling me that I may end up mad at him. Dr. D, I'm only doing this twice more. Please don't screw me over and not stimulate me enough again. I've already lost one cycle to understimulation.
I've tried to call Dr. D's office to get an appt next Tuesday, but the nurses keep calling my appointment a consult, as opposed to needing to be checked over. And because it is considered a consult, he has no openings for the day I need to get in. They don't understand what I'm asking. They don't seem to get that time is of the essence. I will call Dr D's cell phone if I can't get an appt next Tuesday. I will call him over the weekend and plead my case with him. I tried to take the proper channels and pay the copay, but his nurses are being stupid.
I can't wait to be done with this crap. I can't wait to have it all behind me for good. I am so glad I have my battle plan, and I am sticking to it. I am months away from being done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)