Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hail Mary Pass/Guns a'Blazin'

I give up on not posting about cycling on this blog because things keep getting more and more interesting around here. Plans keep changing and forks keep getting thrown in the road. The overall plan hasn't changed, just the steps taken before the finale have changed.

I went to see Dr. D on CD2 last week. As I was driving there I wanted to cry. One more medicated cycle. If that doesn't work, surgery, and then we're done. The end. Since May I have been looking forward to being done with all of this, and that hasn't changed, but I wasn't prepared for how bad I would feel to actually walk away. It is always easier to think about things that won't happen for a while than it is to face them when the time comes. I can think about taking pregnancy tests in the future, but when it comes time to take one, I freak out. Even if I give myself 24 hours notice, I panic.

Anyway, so I was driving to the clinic and starting to feel really sad that this was actually it. It was kind of depressing. Dr. D came into the room and asked how I was doing. I told him I was really discouraged because this was the end for us. We talked about why and how we thought the last cycle didn't work, and we agreed it was because I had to miss the crucial window.

Dr. D then asked me how I felt about letrozole. I had never heard of it. He told me that he normally uses it for PCOS patients who don't respond to chlomid. While I respond well to chlomid, it depletes my lining, and then I have to do estrogen to beef it up. He told me letrozole does the exact same thing as chlomid, in that it produces multiple follicles, only it doesn't have the same side effects. Unlike chlomid, there are no set amount of cycles you can do before it starts hurting your chances either. Apparently it is normally used for breast cancer patients and is not approved by the FDA for reproductive purposes, but it has been used this way as early as 2001. Dr. D told me he has been using it since 2003 and gets 25-30 pregnancies a year from it. I talked to Hubs about it, and he said go for it.

I had also requested that Hubs undergo an analysis just to make 100% certain he is not part of the problem. When I explained why I wanted it done, Dr. D agreed it is worth looking at. Well, apparently my husband would rather go straight to an IUI than have an analysis done, so that is what we're looking at now. He said he would rather make one donation, have it spun down, washed, super charged, and put right where it needs to be, especially because they can bypass volatile grounds.

I asked my husband if he was sure, because IUIs aren't cheap, and he said the way he saw it, this is our last medicated cycle. We might as well go out with guns a'blazin'. Our true and final Hail Mary Pass.

Yes, this will be our final medicated cycle. I remember now why I didn't want to do medicated cycles. I am so ornery even I don't want to be around myself. The letrozole has given me monster headaches and taken my patience level to almost nothing. This is EXACTLY why I didn't want to do medicated cycles ever again. I can't count the number of times I have had to apologize to Hubs and Baby Bean in the last couple weeks. Tonight I put BB to bed and told her I was sorry I was so cranky lately. The sweet little doll reached over and hugged and kissed me. Then she put her hand on my face and rubbed my cheek and told me she loved me. My 2.5 year old did that!

It is funny to me how many people are excited we are doing an IUI. Almost everyone I tell treats like I just told them I was pregnant. "Yay! That is so exciting!" Really? Cause I want to vomit I'm so nervous and scared. I'm not excited. Its a lot of money, and what if it doesn't work? This is it for us. I have a hard time being giddy about that.

So that is where we are right now. I'm cranky as hell and scared. But I try to distract myself with Christmas shopping for Baby Bean, and that has worked wonders. This little girl is going to have an awesome Christmas.


Potters said...

I've watched many great games that end with a team winning from their Hail Mary Pass. Just sayin'. I'm sure BB and Hubs understand and will not hold your craziness against you :).

*Jess* said...

You have been through so much and I admire you for giving it your all for this last cycle! I am really pulling for you guys! New medication sounds promising!

Journey Girl said...

What a super cutie BB is!! Medicated cycles suck balls seriously but hopefully this new medication will be the golden ticket. I'm hoping for you and very proud of how you are doing, this stuff is bloody tough! Good luck!

Melissa N. said...

I take letrozole, and have since January. If you ever want to talk about it, you know where to reach me! What is your dosage? Mine is 5mg. I started on 2mg, went up to 3.75 and now find myself at 5. 5mg + an IUI is what gave me my BFP last month...and although I miscarried, we are so hopeful that the next time we can try (January) will also bring good news, as it seems to be the "cocktail" that works for me. I couldn't take clomid either so it's been a good alternative for me. I hope you're successful, Chelle!! Way to give it your all! Fingers, eyes, toes, will be crossed for you! Hugs :)

Wifey said...

Oh girl, I have high hopes for the letrozole (same thing as Femara which is what my doctor called it - why do they always give meds 2 names, so strange) that is what it took for us to get K. I was on 5mg along with a low dose steroid at the same time. It did make me a bit crazy but it worked so in the end it was all worth it.

Way to go Hubs on the guns blazin. I love this approach. I 2nd the nervous aspect of it, I think I would be the same way, especially when you look at the money aspect. We are very much the same when it comes to stuff like that, it's hard to look past it but just trust the process. Try to stay confident and believe it will work, I know that sounds silly but I really do think it helps when you put your whole heart into believing it will be the solution. Praying hard girl, I want this so bad for you. SO BAD! I want all this work to bring you the most celebrated baby ever! LOVE YA!

Leah said...

I also did Letrozole. My RE said he had much better success rates with that than with Chlomid, and I responded really well to it, and I didn't get some of the ugly side effects that I heard one can get with Chlomid. Thinking about you!

Fran said...

It was a brave decision and you are half way through it. Of course you are scared, but can I just suggest you hold Baby Bean tight when you feel scared and let the love flow.

Kahla said...

Sending a million prayers your way. As my blog says, impossible situations can turn in to possible miracles. That is what I'm praying for you, that this is a miracle cycle! <3

Life Happens said...

Wishing you the very best this (last) cycle! I hope the new meds work!!

And that baby bean is a doll!

Alex said...

I have everything crossed for this one last hail mary pass!!! I really hope this is the one that does it!!!!!

Mazzy said...

I hate, no, I LOATHE cycling and meds and all the drama that comes along with it. I am so sorry you're dealing with it right now.

I have high hopes for you, as always, and will keep you in my prayers, sweet friend. Only God knows what He's doing in each and every little thing that comes our way.