Thursday, October 13, 2011

Perfect Means Nothing

I just finished the perfect cycle. Five follies ready to go with the potential of two more. Perfect lining. Perfect everything. Dr. D was so scared we would end up with triplets. He wanted to cancel the cycle. I told him it was our Hail Mary Pass. If we didn't get pregnant off this cycle, I never would. It doesn't get any more perfect than this cycle.

I'm not pregnant.

I don't think I'm handling it well either. In fact, I'm stuck at work, crying at my desk wondering what the hell I do now. Do I try another cycle, or do I go straight for surgery? Maybe this cycle didn't work because there were reasons we missed the last day of our fertile window. It sucked. It sucked a lot. But there wasn't anything that could be done about it. I knew my chances of getting pregnant had dropped dramatically. But that Hope is a real B.

This past week has been brutal and full of Dr. Google. The estrogen patches delay AF for me. Progesterone delays AF. The two give you full on pre-pregnancy symptoms. All week I've been telling myself none of my symptoms mean anything. That I couldn't count on any of them. All week I've been dreading taking the test, but knowing I HAD to take it because it was the only way to know what my next step was. If neg, stop all meds and wait for AF.

The thought of testing throws me into full-on panic attacks. They make me feel the way I do after I have a near miss. My heart rate accelerates, my adrenaline pumps, my muscles tighten and I can feel the lactic acid moving through them, my ears ring, and my pupils dilate. All of that happens at the THOUGHT of taking a test.

I hate that a whole cycle hinges on that moment. A whole month's worth of hoping despite the fact that you know you shouldn't. Its all fine and dandy to think you will be fine if it is neg, but it is completely another to have that stark white test laughing in your face.

My husband flipped a coin in regards to what our next step is. It came back tails: surgery. He said the way he saw it, we were basically flipping a coin either way. Yeah maybe it didn't work because we missed that last day. But maybe it didn't work because there is something going on that is preventing. So maybe I have the surgery and the problem is fixed. And maybe I have the surgery and still can't get pregnant. Its all a coin toss to him.

Either way, I have two cycles left until we are done. Two more cycles, and we are out of the game forever. And I am going to have to fight my doctor for the dose I want for those cycles. He wants to take me from 100mg of chlomid that gave us 5-7 follies, and put me back at 75mg. All the while telling me that I may not respond to the 75, and telling me that I may end up mad at him. Dr. D, I'm only doing this twice more. Please don't screw me over and not stimulate me enough again. I've already lost one cycle to understimulation.

I've tried to call Dr. D's office to get an appt next Tuesday, but the nurses keep calling my appointment a consult, as opposed to needing to be checked over. And because it is considered a consult, he has no openings for the day I need to get in. They don't understand what I'm asking. They don't seem to get that time is of the essence. I will call Dr D's cell phone if I can't get an appt next Tuesday. I will call him over the weekend and plead my case with him. I tried to take the proper channels and pay the copay, but his nurses are being stupid.

I can't wait to be done with this crap. I can't wait to have it all behind me for good. I am so glad I have my battle plan, and I am sticking to it. I am months away from being done.


Marla said...

I'm so sorry, Elle :( It sucks, and I am upset for you. *hugs* :(

Melissa N. said...

I'm so sorry, Chelle. I had high hopes for your 5 eggs, and I was encouraged by Baby Bean's words - sometimes kids just know. But maybe she's not referring to now. Perhaps she's referring to a sister that will come to be. I hope so, and I will continue to pray for a positive outcome. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

I hope Bean is right. Another sister would be soooo awesome. I'm putting all my positive energy and vibes in that direction.

S.I.F. said...

Oh love, I hate this for you. I truly hate it. Thinking of you, and hoping that doctor of yours gets you in Tuesday for sure!

Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry. I know how difficult this is. A great big HUGS to you. Why can't doctors understand that at the end of the day it is our life and our choices?!

Alex said...

I'm so very sorry - this just sucks.

Wifey said...

I hate to read this. I am so sorry girl. I hope that they will listen to you and let you continue with the dosage you want. Surely he will be a smart man and give in. Love you girl.